Volcanic Village
As you walk into this land, you see tall volcanoes in all directions. A few trees dot the landscape, providing some shade. A small creek flows through the land, joining a sea that lies between this land and the Frozen Tundra.
This was the land of Marked, the general for Black Magik while he controled the throne.
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IP: 75.129.228.195
Posted on January 5, 2011 at 03:27:45 PM by .
January 5th, 2a
"I wish I could say there are days where I am more in love with you and less in love with you. But I feel like lately it's just been all the same. There are just days where I am with you and I can be happier, and days where I am not as happy. There is the missing that makes me want and need and must have you, and there is the missing where I feel like it's not right at all. And where I cannot trust a thing you tell me, and there are lies around every corner. There are days where you do not trust me and I get frustrated. Because sometimes, and I know it's not your fault, I get upset when you use an accusing tone about Brooklyn, or Kevin, or whomever. Because today, for instance, if I had gone to donate platelets alone- I would have been scared to death being alone with strangers, unable to handle the awful pain without Brooklyn rubbing my head and having me dig my nails into her palm, and have been throwing up and breaking a fever by myself. I feel upset when you ask if Brooklyn had *truly* left- because I am not the one scrambling at straws to build trust. I did my work, I played my part. And after being broken and used and thrown away- I will not try like that any further, or perhaps even ever again.
I wish I could say I'm learning to trust you, but I really can't say that either. I don't believe many of the things you tell me, but I accept that much. It's the not telling that is the worst. Just like you didn't tell me about your nude pictures to Megan, or whatever you said/did to egg her on. Just like not telling me about kissing Michelle. Not telling me she was the girl you went to the mall with. Not telling me about the cute little things you told her. All of the countless times you kept silent, are equal in pain to all the times you lied. You have cheated and you are a liar. I can fix cheating- I have been there, I have done that. I know what it feels like to kiss someone just because you can, just because you miss the warm body of someone else, just because you know it does not mean anything/nothing will ever come of it/you will never see them again. But that is not the kind of cheating you did. You had "chemistry" and had "been trying" things with her since ninth grade. You have kissed her before. You felt guilty enough about going to the movies with her- BEFORE you even kissed her- that you had to lie to me about it. That right there shows a guilty conscience. You did feel something, because you have had this emotional connection towards her since ninth grade. You did feel something, because you told her she makes your heart race, and you love kissing her and that you would like to do it again.
I cannot deal with cheating and feeling something.
I cannot deal with lying. The only true thing man has is his word. Sometimes mum says actions speak louder than words. But your actions said a lot of words to her, and towards me, as well. A relationship that four months out of the year, I spend roughly eight hours a week or every two- or even three, with you- cannot withstand lying. Any relationship in general is not strong with lying.
God, yes, I love you. I love that look in your eye you get when you catch my eye and I walk into the room. I love the way you intentionally bite your lip or clench your jaw when I stretch and you can see my stomach and hipbones. I love how when I wake up in the morning, you are oftentimes the first thing I see. I love how you leave me post-it notes on the fridge to tell me little things about our sleep or your hour while I am still sleeping. I love the weather updates, and when you tell me to wear a certain piece of clothing you think would be good. I love the way you will wipe away my tears, and even my cryboogies, without saying a thing. I love how close we are-group poops, NFL puddles, Big Ben suntan lotion. I love the way you let out little moans in my ear, and the look you get when I truly please you. And I love the way I can tell you that, no I am not like every other girl you've had sex with, I work differently and I will not fake it anymore.
But I do not love looking into your eyes and not trusting you. I do not love the way you head-promised me that nothing bad would happen. I do not love the way you reacted towards Dan, even when I did everything right and true. I do not love the way you lied to my face, hundreds of times for a week. I do not love the way you could lay in bed with me at night, half naked bodies entwined, and whisper in my ear that you love me to the moon and back. I do not love that you are so easy to stray now. I do not love how much you have fallen in my eyes, and how little you cared when you found out.
There are things that I have loved, and things that I have lost. And you, as well as Brooklyn and Dan, fall under that category. I worked so hard to get Brooklyn back- and I finally did. Because she appreciates the effort I put in, she recognizes when I am trying and what I am changing for her. I am working so hard to get Lemon back, and he is recognizing that as well. And you? I worked so hard to get you back. For two months I did nothing but be a girl I never thought I could be. I changed my lifestyle- no drinking, no drugs, no late nights. I changed my mood- letting things go, being trustworthy, communicating. I changed my coping methods- no more cutting, no more starving, hello counseling. I tried. And you did not recognize, and you did not appreciate, and you did not try. And when you couldn't handle it anymore, you texted me (because I asked, you say). Not even called me. To tell me "I really can't trust you completely. I don't think I ever can. And it pains me to know that. And I base my relationships out of trust."
So what are you doing? Did you lie about the reason you ended things with me? I may have only known you for one year, but I know the deepest parts of you- no matter how little or how much time it took. And I know you do not make erratic decisions like that without thinking. And you said so yourself that you needed the break to spend some time alone (or in your car with some other girl) to think about where we were going and what we were doing. So you were thinking about it that whole week, supposedly. Were you thinking about how you base your relationships off trust while your tongue was exploring some other girls mouth and your hand was on the back of her neck? Were you thinking about trust when I admitted to you that Dan had kissed me, and then continued to explain that I was sleeping, asked him how I reacted, and did everything in my power to show you the true story of what happened- when you never would have known otherwise?
What's almost worse, is that the day after you send me this text, the day after you listen to me crying, explaining, begging, convincing (and all you keep saying is "I'm sorry, I'm sorry.") you do not speak to me. And you do not speak to me when we get back home to our room, while we unpack, while we say our hello's and I missed you's. We are not okay until it is late night and we are in bed and our obligatory movie is on. And then things are right back to how it was. A month ago you asked me to be your girlfriend. And a little over a month ago, you cheated on me.
There are things I cannot let go, Aaron. As try as I might. But I ached, and I hurt, and I cried, and I tried not to trouble you with it all, and I tried not to push it, and I tried to keep my mouth shut and my heart open wide. But I do not deserve to hurt the same. Not even the same- I hurt more. I hurt knowing you could put me through all this. I hurt knowing that even while you are admitting your love to me every day, that while you call me every night to tell me bedtime stories, that while you text me every day all day long- that I am crying. It hurts to look into your eyes and see a different kind of love there now. And this is not a love I am used to. And you are not anyone I used to know. My Gameboy would not send naked pictures to other girls. My Booger would not lie to cover his own faults and say he did not egg it on. My Baby would not lie to me to go and make out with another girl, then get so angry and upset with something out of my control, and then break up with me for it. And blame it on trust. I do not know this you, and I do not know how to love this you. Maybe I'm just not as strong as you. Maybe I can't forgive like you can, because I have been hurt deeper and dozens of more times than you. But I cannot give someone my all, and then be thrown away, just to love them again.
I don't know what to do. One month we have "officially" been together. But I have loved you and shared my soul with you for many more than that. But I do not know what to do. I am giving it time- time heals all wounds, right? But I do not want to have these wounds bleeding over time. I do not want salt to be poured in these wounds through weeks of being away from one another and things that create friction. Try as you might (you say you are trying and I am trying to accept that), you cannot bandage these wounds. And I do not have anything left in me to try and fix them with. You gave me a month and a half. I am now at giving you a month. The only difference is- I hurt throughout it all. I cannot find a way to fix it, and maybe it is just the distance that is making it hurt (if only that were true). I do not have any answers left in me. I worked so hard for someone I thought I knew. I put in so much effort, I gave so much love, and all of myself- to someone I only got the tiniest piece of. I gave everything to someone who gave nothing. And I cannot shake that idea or get the feeling out of my heart.
I love you to Abel 1835 IR1816 and back. (I might be a number or two off, but as far as I can remember- that's the farthest galaxy in our universe). This month has been crazy- and at this point in time, we've spent more time away from each other than together. You will always be my Gameboy, and I am always going to be your Batgirl. But sometimes I do not have the will or strength to fix everything, or attempt to be fixed. I'm sorry we couldn't be together for our one month, and I'm sorry I won't be seeing you for a few more days. I miss you, and I'm going to miss hearing your voice tonight. Sweet dreams. "
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