I miss normality. I miss when I had no burdens, when I was carefree and youthful not just physically. I'm not old, by any means, but my scars seem to make me so. Sometimes I can fool myself into believing that I'm fine, that I'm just like I was before Satowra, before Bright Moon and Blossom Forest and certainly before Soul. I can pretend I'm okay, even when I know I'm not. But every mask withers and falls away after a time and it seems that's what has happened now. I do not know the whereabouts of Tamlin, and last I saw Rio had crossed the borders and left as well. Misty is an absentee like them as well, something that worries me somewhat, and Bright Moon feels like a ghost town. It's never truly bustling with activity -- we are a subtle group of lupines with no need to broadcast ourselves too much -- but it never feels quite so... abandoned. This scares me a little, because that torn part of me nags and says that it's very possible that they've bent to the pressure and they won't come back. I'm beginning to believe that part -- how long has it been since I've become this pessimistic bastard?
But I'm the beta of the pack and I have responsibilities I feel obligated to uphold, even when there's no one here to uphold theirs. My own coming and going is something that I still feel guilty for; I can't help but feel like a coward. Instead of facing my own feelings and thoughts, I ran from them. Even when I told myself I would not run any longer. It seems like broken promises have begun to embody the very meaning of my life, of my existance. I stand slowly from my spot curled beneath a tree which has become my resting area, a place to gather myself. Shaking out my thick golden fur, I blink and yawn, exposing glinting canines, and then take a moment to look into the depths of the forest, wondering if now will be the time one of my brothers will show himself.
Apparently not -- no one comes. A soft, huffing sigh falls unbidden from my lips as I stretch my lean frame in a vaguely feline manner, pushing my forepaws down and sliding them against the slightly damp earth, rainwashed from recent precipitation. Wincing at the kink in my spine, I shake myself again and spring into a brisk, refreshing trot, pushing easily through the brisk, chilled wind which ruffles my pelt and has coldness creeping against my flesh. I shiver lightly, making my way about the basically empty borders and growing more disheartened because of the lack of life. Where is everyone?
don't make me change my mind
or i won't live to see another day