To go or to stay, that is the question. My ears pin back to my skull as the thoughts go round and round in my head. Where is Raylen right now? Is he even thinking of me? Does he even care? I chide myself for thinking more of him than he could ever think of me. He's not over Soul, just like I'm not over Phonix. I depend on him too much. How can he ever depend on me as a friend with how fragile my mental structure is? I feel like a clump of fur held together by a little bit of putty, a little bit of handyman's glue, something so vulnerable that it could snap apart at any given moment. Who am I kidding? Certainly not myself.
I push my front paw into the soil, grinding my toes into the sand. I should go now, should save Tamlin and all the others the bother of my presence. I'm no use here, or anywhere, come to think of it. I come to packs for protection, for the safety in numbers. I come to packs because I know that when I feel the smallest inkling of lonliness, all I have to do is howl and a concerned pack mate will come running. Or will they? Pack mates are always there for the wolves at the border, but it's not like I've made any friends here. The only friend I made ran off never to return. And now he's back at Rainbow Cliff, but whose to say he won't just disappear again? Whose to say he's not just a figment of my imagination?
I think back, remembering the smell at the borders. Raylen has been here recently. He came to Bright Moon, but he didn't go past the borders. A final farewell to Tamlin? Just to see the beauty of the place he used to call home? I can't even begin to guess the workings of Raylen's mind. Perhaps he is thinking about coming back to stay. My tail gives a fragile wave and my heart lifts like a bird in flight. I shake my head mentally. No, I can't go giving myself false hope. In the end, it's not worth it.
Suddenly I hear a voice behind me, asking if I'm the girl after Raylen. I jump a little and pin my ears in fear as I turn to face the wolf, coming face to face with Venga. I like Venga. She's been nothing but nice to me. She seems like a very nice wolf to anyone, really. I don't feel special because of it. I just feel needy.
I offer her a small hesitant smile after a moment or two. Um, no, I wouldn't say that. I know him.....We've talked a few times. I look away, sure that if I didn't have fur, she'd see just how bad I'm blushing right now. Is it that obvious? I look back up as she takes a few steps toward me. I hold my ground but my muscles tense reflexively. I don't plan on attacking. I'd be more prone to roll up in a ball or run. I prick my ears at her question before looking back toward the ground, a sad smile on my lips. No...um, yeah, I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. Just thinking is all. After another moment or two, I look back up and meet her gaze, curiosity in my golden eyes. Venga, have you ever felt lost?
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