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I'd like to say I did some healing in those two years but I wouldn't be able to say it with a straight face if I tried. Being with Cobryn definitely helped. I don't know where I'd be if I couldn't obsess over him and his lone cub. I provided for him, defended him when need be, waiting for him to pull himself back together but it's been a slow process. First the choice of me or Jaidah and then Jaidah running off on him with one of his children, it was all just too much for him and he's been slow to pick back up ever since. Losing Edge was the hardest thing for me since our imprint bond was severed. It drove me crazy for days, the pain, but over time it subsided and now I know that Edge is no more, no longer connected to me. I am independent again and yet not all in the same sense. I have Cobryn now to look after and he's dependent on me. I'm okay with that. I like feeling needed. It's familiar territory for me. I didn't lose as much as some others may have. Others lost family, children, mates. I lost my imprint, boo hoo. I lost my home and Judila meant more to me than anyone will ever know. I stayed there my entire stay in Moladian. It was everything to me and now its gone, replaced by four territories who are still trying to figure out what they stand for. Iromar is starting to look like the dark pack, like Judila was getting a name for while Abraxus was in charge. Glorall is run by Weylin and I think he's going for something peaceful, diplomatic. Spirane is run by Moonglow and she's a shaman, a healer and sees things. She also has a bird guardian and that's pretty cool. Diveen is getting known for the wolves who call themselves angels, just as Amorak called himself. Most of the Trenus wolves moved here and Heyel's own daughter is the queen. I haven't figured out which one would suit me best just yet. I was hoping Cobryn would help me out with that but he's not up for making any decisions just yet. He's still....fragile. I wonder if all who are alive have found each other yet. Have mates stayed together or were some driven apart? Did they find each other yet? What about parents aand children? I can only imagine the pain of knowing they're still alive and still not being able to find them. Amorak seems to enjoy this simple session of polite conversation. Perhaps he just needed a new face, something new to talk about. I don't mind. I won't say I'm not liking the chance to talk to someone new myself. At his comment, I chuckle a little, shaking my head. No, not wise, I just don't know how to use that filter between mind and mouth. I give him a wry smirk, eyes gleaming. He tilts his head, laughing a little before continuing, talking about the future that some have forgotten about in the misery of the past. He compares the meteor strike to a forest fire. I like the analogy. I find myself nodding along, agreeing, my eyes glowing with approval. He tells me that he can see how I made it to Beta and that he envies that. I tilt my head now, arching a brow in curiosity. I shake my head again. Nothing to envy here, Amorak. I'm no different than anyone else, I just like staying busy. You're right though, we do come back stronger, if we let it make us strong. I catch his eyes but he's busy studying me. I don't blush or get flustered like some wolves. Despite my problems with depression, it's never been stemmed from confidence issues. I'm confident in myself, even if I'm not so far as arrogant. I know I'm not perfect, therefore, I don't even try. He waves his tail, his eyes thoughtful even as he continues eyeing me. I can only wonder what the wolves from outside Judila thought of us on the inside. They probably called us monsters, cannibals, killers. Our alphas weren't exactly gold citizens. They had their flaws but doesn't everyone? I wonder how many wolves actually heard of Cobryn taking the reins before all hell broke loose in Moladian. What did they think of him as alpha? I don't know how many wolves really knew Cobryn or what he stood for. I wonder if their opinions would have changed in time. I guess we'll never know. I note the scars on Amorak's face now that I study him a little more in detail. My eyes narrow a bit in curiosity, wondering how he got them but I'd never ask for fear of turning the conversation to something more awkard. After all, we're talking about getting over the past so it only makes sense not to bring up the past. It doesn't matter what happened or who did it, it's helped shape Amorak and who he is. That's what matters. I note his body shudder at some point before he directs his attention back to me. My brow arches up more but I make no comment, letting it slide as he listens to my speech. He seems to react to it, though I'm guessing in a good way by his facial expression. He suddenly grins, his eyes telling me that he agrees with my last statement. He seems to be thinking about my comment, as if counting off anyone he knows who would wear a mask. Pretty much anyone I know wears a mask at some point. I know I do at times. Who doesn't? His faces falls and he looks back at me, his face exhausted now. He tells me that its hard to be yourself sometimes. I nod once more in agreement. He admits that pack life was hard for him and that he gets a second chance now. My lips falter when he mentions that everyone got a second chance, my gaze falling. Not everyone. For some, it was too late for a chance. But not wanting to think about that, I shake it off and look at him again, offering a reassuring smile. Pack life can be hard sometimes but at least it's safety in numbers. Out here, you're unprotected and the only thing between life and death is yourself. You have no help, no shield. It's a bit of an adrenaline rush when you think about it, but it's no life for someone who doesn't think they can handle looking over their shoulder every minute. I shrug lightly, as if I don't think twice about it. The fact is that I'm just so undecided about which pack would suit me best. I'm not sure where I'd fit in now. Everything I had was on Judila and now its gone. Where do I go now? Amorak seems thrilled by his words, inspired and who am I to take that from him? When he grins, I smile back, reassuring him with my lips and eyes. Amorak asks about me now, if I found any old friends or a place to stay. I haven't made a decision yet on a new pack. I'm waiting for inspiration, I guess, something to make the decision for me. I've been with Cobryn the whole time but I haven't run into anyone else yet. I think they've all kind of scattered. I guess it's better that way. My voice has a sad sway to it but I cover it back up with a smile. After all, he's smiling now and it's a truly inspiring sight to see. I can tell that its genuine and also that it's been a long time since he's been this sincere in a smile. It looks good on him, charismatic even. |