to whom it may concern,

spirane was in unrest. the death of moonglow and alcide had caused wrathful emotions to explode to the surface. some attempted to hide them… but their mournful sighs and vengeful glares gave away the darkness in their thoughts. and the root of all the evil? most blamed our new tailless leader, purge. she murdered a wolf. or was it murder? involuntary murder since moonglow had died from her wounds, not by purge’s fangs? but the white wolf had purposefully inflicted those wounds… she had also dethroned a long generation family, who was now spiteful at the death of their mother and also lamented that their family had been uprooted from their home. but i… i couldn’t bring myself to believe that purge was evil. she was dominant, and so followed her instinct to dominant. and if they had wanted to stay, purge wouldn’t have kicked them out. she had required only what a normal leader would – submission. at the same time to accept the rule of a leader who had just killed a loved one was unthinkable.

my mother had challenged purge and i was dreadful the same fate would befall her and then I would have to make that terrible decision. what if i chose wrong? my heart was coiled with stress and fear and confusion. clearly, my mother’s actions spoke that what purge had done was wrong. she viewed the murder as ruthless, and if not evil, then at least cruel or unnecessary. but i wish… i wish she hadn’t taken action. i didn’t want her to be gone forever, like moonglowand alcide were. i needed her because i still had too much to learn. clearly, my confusion at how to perceive the death of moonglow spoke to my inability to be trusted on my own. i thought it might reveal an indecisive nature or, perhaps, faulted morals. i didn’t want to be viewed as purge was and i was fearful that my views on her might mean that i was like her, who clearly had flawed visions of the world (as was evidence of the reaction of my packmates). and as i was beginning to learn, some flaws resulted in cataclysmic failures of permanent consequences.

i didn’t want to think that i might be capable of killing another wolf or of inflicted such brutal damage. no… i didn’t want to believe that anyone could. i wanted to believe that life was exactly as it had been the day i discovered the warmth of the sun. bright, full, and happy – a utopia. my utopia had been cast into dark shadows in one day and i tried to ignore it. but as i had observed, the quiet, solemn glares of my packmates were cracking my sun-glazed eyes. i couldn’t let my perfect world be shattered! i had to protect it, so i ran away to avoid everything. only of a short while. my paws, however, took me much further than i had intended. i had followed the woods that stretched from the base of the mountains across the edges of a valley to a forest i had never seen, but didn’t truly realize i had entered. the fir and pines had given way to maples and oaks, and i suppose i realized that i had no idea where i was when i took a moment to observe the thick brush under the trees (which didn’t exist anywhere near home), and the loss of that scent of the mountain.

i startled to a restless stop, my paws rustling leaves as i jolted to a standstill. i could feel my eyes stretch wide as i turned my head in an attempt to get my bearings amongst the giant trees. i held my breath at the sound of a hawk’s screech somewhere in the distance. it was a long distance away, but it was the largeness, the empty space between that scared me. how far away had i gone?! i needed help. but my brothers weren’t with me! how could i ask for help if i was without my voices? if only i could have, a soft whine would have tickled my throat, but the only sound was the release of a soft breath through my nose.

upon my next inhale, i smelled or imagined something familiar. it was a wolf, but did i know them? however, familiar was all i needed to attempt to follow my nose. i was unpracticed, so i stumbled and my progress was slow. my inaccuracy caused me to weave back and forth and around in an unfocused manner. at one point, one of my paws got caught in a tangle of woody grass beneath a short tree-like bush. i scowled and pulled myself forwards, trying to free me paw. the woody grass didn’t give. i shook my paw ruthlessly, causing a ruckus of shaking leaves. they crinkled against each other and some fell towards me. my ears laced to the sides of my head as i shook my fur and i snapped at the plants holding my paw prisoner. i couldn’t stop now! i was so close to whoever was out there!

in a final effort, i crouched and lunged forwards with all my strength. snap! The plants broke and i went tumbling forwards in a summersault down a short rise. my mouth gaped in terror as i rolled down the slanted, loose dirt cliff. i endeavored to scrape my claws in, but the speed of my roll couldn’t be stopped in such a short time, so i was doomed to fall to the bottom of the small escalation.

sincerely,
apollinari "nari" snow-melt

. 0 yrs .. 31 in .. 112 lbs .. no imprint .. no mate .. no pups .