I have recently been visiting an old spot of mine. A place that I have been driven to go to as of late. I have avoided it for a long time. It is a place so comforting and yet so uncomfortable. It is place of my birth. The spot where my eyes were first open to the world. I remember my first smells, my first tastes that were sweet of mother's milk. My mother who is gone, so long gone. I am to be a mother now soon though. I have little ones inside of me.

My swollen cream colored paws have taken me away from the den Achilles and I usually share. I may be sore and swollen, but I cannot stop thinking about it. I have grown large in time. My flame licked side are bulging out, and I feel the kicks of pups wild inside of me. The spring is coming close to an end, and I know they must come soon. I am told I should stay near the den, that my pups will be here at a moments notice, but I cannot stop myself. My paws seem to move themselves. My blue and ice eyes seem to fixate forward without my control. I must go to this place. I must go and I do. I travel past the foliage of Diveen sweet with spring fragrance. I see the colors of yellow from the sound of wind in brush. I inhale and take in the air, the scenery changing as I descend down into a maze of canyons within Diveen. There is a river near by, and I hear the sounds of the water. They are almost the same color as before, and I nervously pause, ears falling back as I feel my heart starting to race. The sand had turned red like my fur, and I knew I was close.

I step forward, my ears flipping forward again as I begin to weave into the caves of my birth. It seems no one has lived here since. It seems that my mother was the last to birth here, for the scents are stale, yet the winds of time had swept away what seemed to be any trace of my origin. I feel the pain in the paws from the pregnancy, and I grimace as I find myself still pushing forth. Light shines in from many places in the canyon caves, I can feel it glistening upon my chocolate pelt as I continue on. I start to feel a bit uncomfortable. I think I am missing my mother so very much here, and yet I am wondering why I was forced to come here alone this day. I did not allow Achilles to follow, at least...I do not think he followed, not immediately. I desired to be alone, to seek out this spot as a roar of instinct has taken me over. It is a warm spring day, but it is cooler in the myriad of shadows.

I find myself continuing to explore even though the discomfort in my side begins to grow. My face twists a bit as I lean against the cool red wall. I feel a wave of pain. They said it is painful, giving birth to puppies. It only lasts a second though, and I continue on until I find the spot that I was looking for. The bedding has scattered, nearly far gone, and yet some still remained. It is a cave after all, not much wind or rain comes in this area. I whine slightly as another wave of pain comes, my steps halted as my eyes close until it passes. I feel my breathing growing heavy, the faint scent of my mother tickling my nares. I do not know if it is real or if I am imagining it. I do not care. This is where I belong right now. This is where I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be alone as this pain comes towards me.

I find my form needing to rest. The pain has become too much. I whine as my hind legs lower. It takes great effort for me to lay down, but I do. The pain is great, but it comes in waves. I focus on breathing. I focus on the seclusion of the cave, of the canyon of my birth. My tongue laps out of my mouth as I begin to pant. The pain is increasing, and time keeps on passing. I have no idea how long it has been, yet there is a comfort in hearing the ambient sounds of the canyon with the slight echo of the waterfall not too far off.

Then something really painful happens. I find my hind legs moving, a loud huff escaping me as I am urged to push. It...hurts. It hurts! I find that I am conflicted in this pain. I wish Achilles was here, and yet I wish to be alone. I wish most, that my mother was here to guide me through it. I feel my body being tense, so tense as I push and push, and I feel a sharp pain. I call out. I wish to be alone yet I wish for Achilles to know where I am. I call out loudly, a wailing wild scream. The sound of his children being born into the world. It is a sound most haunting as it echoes throughout the caves and canyons, and yet I am still given the energy to swirl my head around when the sharpness of the pain decreases.

I see something covered in blood. I reach down and rip away the encasing, lapping away all the blood as I pull the golden boy closer to me. I am still in pain, my body starting to shake but I am still okay. I lick his face and the top of his head, attempting to get the blood off but it doesn't seem to want to come off. My tongue is aggressive, a thing I cannot control due to the pain, and I whine at my failure. I am given to turn my head while he is at my belly, taken by the rage of my own pain. I focus on my breathing, laying my head on the ground so that I do not have to make efforts in raising it.

It is a long while with this pain. I do not know why it hurts so much. I just keep my mind on the breathing, on feeling the little boy that nestles into my fur. There are more, this I know. I feel another sharp pain after a while. I know to push but it is harder this time. I do not know it, but my first boy had torn me a little. The second pup...was tearing me more. I did not know it, no, but I felt it, I felt my flesh ripping apart and I let out a blood curdling scream once more. I cry, feeling as if I am giving life with part of my own with each push. The pup gives way though, and the pain does not stop me from pulling the darker golden girl from my behind. I clean her and I nudge her with my nose, but I am not as thorough as I was with the first. I place her next to my belly, whining gently as I let my nose barely touch her for a few sweet moments.

I do not get much time with her though. The pain and exhaustion drives me away. I know the scent of blood has grown a bit stronger in the air. I do not realize that I have bled some from the tearing she caused. I smell the thick iron smell, and as the pain continues I start to get concerned. Am I...supposed to bleed this much? I lift my head, panting heavily as I see the blood, whining as my ice eyes dash around. I am safe, this I know, from predators for Mother chose a spot most safe, but am I...safe from myself? The pain intensifies. I am feeling light headed, like my consciousness is starting to drift away in waves, like an ocean slowly lapping away the sand. I feel the pain shooting up my spine, and this time I am too...weak to scream. I only breath, feeling nothing but pure pain as another is born into this world.

I do not immediately get to him. I am too engulfed in the pain, in the exhaustion. It takes the last bit of my strength to lift my head up, and by then a good 45 seconds or so had passed since he left me. I feel my head growing heavy, and I almost miss as I attempt to grasp him with my mouth. The grasp is so gentle, so weak that I almost don't get him over to me. It takes a good two or three tries, but I get him close enough to clean his face. He is close enough to find my belly, and yet...yet I am too weak to push him toward it directly. Too weak to clean all the blood that soaks him, only enough to free his nostrils to breathe. I see how much blood is lost, soaking the ground but I cannot do anything about it. I only feel the heaviness of my head as it falls to the ground.

And then it is darkness.