He glares, those infernal verdant eyes penetrating him to his very core and he cannot help but feel his fear explode. So this was it, the moment he lost his entire family. Funny because when one thinks about losing their family they think about death but this…this was much harder. This was living without, knowing that they were there but they wished not to see you…to be with you. This was a living death and it crushed him. It compounded the pain he felt from Dragon, it tripled the flare from his leg, this was devastation. It teetered within him, so periously close to the edge, that he is frighten. Falling back on old ways he defends his actions, minimizing the wound on his leg and proclaiming that he could still do his duty. He could!

Yet when Flame chuckled, the sound without humor, air leaked out of his sails. Slowly it deflated before in one swell swipe it collapsed. His internal fear vocalized in such a cold callus way that he is forced to mirror the shock that had once graced Flame’s face when he had admitted his foolery. His head shakes, once, then twice more…each time more slowly than the other as his eyes widen.

”You surely don’t mean to disown me?”

He asks, losing all pretenses, no longer seeing the point of being strong. His body sagged, and he seemed to finally give in, dropping to his belly to relieve the ache in his body and leg. He asks but he knew the answer, knew it in every rigid glance from his eyes. Knew it in each blow from his next words, the weight of reality crushing him and forcing his head down until it rested upon the ground. Foolish did not even begin to cover the extent of what he has done and am doing. He had left them unprotected, unguarded in case of trickery and lies. He had failed when he thought he was doing what was best. It was a pattern. He needed to fix it, to break it so that he would not let them down. Ears flatten against his skull, a pitiful way to block what rang within him. Failure. Coward. Weak. Yes indeed he was all of these things and to admit to such failings hurt. It hurt as much as realizing that during these years he has hurt his family, hurt the ones that meant the most to him.

”I see!”

He calls out, his voice tight with emotion but not of the flavor that usually salts his tongue. It is resignation, of understanding. He did not think of the things that Flame did and he should have. He should have but he was blinded by his emotions. He could have lost not only Dragon but more family to death and he would have never seen them again. He could have sought revenge but what is that without her? What is life without those to spend it with? It is a lesson that rings true as it resonates within his very soul. This night he has learned a hard lesson. Yet it was not over as more verses pour forth, yet these holding the tilt of question.

”Yes I left her when we were younger! YES I was wrong and I admit it. I did not know how much I was wrong until I came back, until I gazed into her red rimmed eyes! What do you want me to say? That I am a coward? That I was weak? That I am a sorry excuse of a wolf? THEN YES I AM! But how does admitting those things help me? How does it help be become what I so desire to be?”

He pauses, gasping as he realizes that his eyes are burning, but instead of investigating he forges on.

”I wanted to kill him Flame. I wanted to rip his paws off for touching her. I was jealous of their bond, something that I didn’t have with her. I saw him as a threat and I did not know how to handle it. I never know how to handle extreme emotions so I did what I always do. I went for a run but ran into another wolf and we sparred. Did I instigate it YES! Damnit I sought a release, I need to find a way to relieve the pressure for I could think of nothing else but the command to leave him be. For to engage him would be to hurt her and I did not want to hurt her. I did not want her to suffer but I did not know what to do with ME!”

He was confused and hurting, the words tumbling from his mouth as if the flood gates where flung open. Yet even as he speaks his mind turns over Flame’s words. Flame has imprinted as well. He has found the other half of his soul. But not only that to have both and in two different places…did that mean she loved him yet her soul rested with Meryl? Could she be hurting right now because he was not there with her? He knew she was strong but…no one deserved to fight that kind of battle…not alone. Before he can speak Flame forged on, further nailing the nails in the coffin.

”Well don’t swear, I understand…vividly.”

And amazingly he did. He saw clearly now and very shamefully. Rising back to three paws he felt the need to go to her, to right this wrong and comfort her with his presence yet again. So what about his leg, she needed him and he was supposed to be there. He should have never left though still in hindsight he still might just leave had he been forced to do it again. He just would not have went further than the opening of the den. Taking a step forward he is halted by his next words, not the affirmation that he is a fool. He already knew that and recognized it. But the words after that. Eyes narrow before he opens his mouth.

”If I wasn’t important to her then my absence would not have hurt her so. Therefore that point is moot, however I admire and respect your insight on the matter. Yet, you would have hunted me down without giving me the chance to change? You would be the judge and jury without giving me the opportunity to learn what I lack. I am not a lost cause and to do something so harsh without even considering another route…well is callous.”

He concedes that this is that very chance he speaks of, and for that he is grateful. He is learning what it is that makes him unsuitable so that he can change it and he does not take this lightly. It in fact makes him think about all the rest he might have judged to harshly and too soon.

”I would have came back, I promised her I would not leave her again and before you start I realize that tonight could be considered leaving her.”

He sighs again, hanging his head in defeat for a second before raising it again.

”Very well.”

With that he makes to hobble forward, determined to get seen so that he can make his way toward his Dragon. She will hear him out and he will speak honestly. He might be able to find a way to tame his urges with some sort of herb…

”Flame, Do you think that there is an herb that can help…ummm calm me?”

He asks this sheepishly, afraid of the answer. He was already laid bare, he really did not wish to be kicked more.