I can feel Ailith's hopelessness running through me like a waterfall and it's slowly killing me to know she's in this much pain on the inside. She hides it well behind those delicate features but she can't hide it from me, not when I can feel her soul trembling with every breath. She feels more alone than anything and she's convinced herself that she's always going to feel alone and it tears me up inside that I can't be the one to fill that void like she'd been hoping. What makes it worse is I know some day a wolf will come along that wants to fill that void for her and while part of me is going to want that more than anything, for her to be happy and whole, the other part of me is going to want his head on a platter for touching the only wolf that will ever truly make me whole. She feels worthless inside and I can't understand how she sees herself that way. Can't she see the beauty there is to see? Can't she see the diamond through my eyes? I can see that Natu feels the same too, through the way she looks at Ailith, through the way she talks to her. She cares about her more than anything and would do anything for her. I can accept those feelings more than I can if she were a male romantically interested in Ailith. I can accet feelings of sisterhood, of pack. But I know the day will come.
She has hope for me too. I can see it in her eyes. I choose my life style though, it doesn't choose me. I could walk away at any moment and I don't. I could stop killing and feeding and do as other wolves do and prey on the herbivores of the wild. I enjoy the blood. I enjoy the chase, I enjoy the fight and most of all, I enjoy the power of the kill, the sweet redemption of someone's life being drained between my teeth. This life style is what keeps me going and I think that's what makes me a monster, not that I'm not on a normal diet. Because I choose my diet again and again and feel no remorse for it, only shame when I look in her eyes because I feel like a disappointment to my soul. She tries to reassure me now, telling me that I and Natu are the best things to ever happen to her, that she'd rather live like this and it brings a heart wrenching whimper to my lips. How can she want this life of misery?
"You will find happiness, Ailith. You must promise me that you will try, that you won't just accept this feeling as your fate. You must, because I can't live with knowing you feel this way."
My eyes betray the trembling of my own soul as it tries to cuddle next to hers, to embrace it and keep it warm forever. Her paw settles on top of mine as her other reaches for Natu and a sigh leaves my lips. I nod my head slowly.
"I will stay."
I assure her. Natu licks at her cheek and tells her the same, that we will stay. When she glances my way, there is only kinship in my stare. I cannot look upon Natu as I might other wolves. She is tied to Ailith and thereby tied to my soul. She is valuable. As if to pass the time, Natu asks for our story and I turn my gaze to Ailith, wanting to see her reactions as I speak. I could never tire of looking at her and I want to make sure I don't leave anything out.
"We met at a large gathering. There were wolves hunting a small herd of elk but Ailith had already caught something. You were there, actually. She brought the food to you and that's when I saw her. We met afterwards and talked then I found her in the grotto getting attacked. They pushed her over the cliff and I thought I'd lost her..."
I physically flinch at the memory, my jaw clenching as I run through the familiar emotions I felt that day. Loss, helplessness, heartbreak, and extreme anger.
"I ran them off and stayed with her. Not a very colorful story but there it is in a nut shell."
I add with a light shrug. I leave out the part where I gutted one of the males and sent him to die. I watch Ailith's expression, wanting to know what she's thinking, always wanting to know her inside and out.
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əric
so just bite me baby
and drink all my blood
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