everything in her hurt. her internal organs felt like they were tied together with poison and her lungs felt like they were lined with shards of glass. her throat felt like a cat had clawed it’s way out, but that was her fault. each sharp cry and shriek had left her with less and less by the mean of vocals until nothing came out. her limbs had given out as she chased romulus through the forest around staircase falls and left her laying in wet leaves feeling like death had come for her - without having the decency to be quick and painless. she was dying and she knew it.
somehow, dealing without sleep, the fae managed to get to her feet and trudge out of staircase falls. she didn’t know how, never really would even when the blinding agony had faded out. as she trudged, zombie-like, romulus’ screamed words filled her thoughts, replaying even as she shrieked for the words to leave her alone. “I pulled away from you because I KNEW. I KNEW that you would be looked down on! I WANTED YOU TO MOVE BACK.” like twisting a knife, the fresh wounds in her chest oozed pain and new tears dripped down her muzzle. she could still feel the pulsing heat from his body as he pushed against her, backing her into a tree and it was all she could feel. “I wanted you to move back and find someone more suitable. Cancel the engagement so that you could rise to power with someone who wasn’t a BURDEN from the very moment he was born!” those words, while not the worst he’d spat during those moments and not the most painful, made her heart scream. he thought he was a burden? it killed her inside. she didn’t want to rise to power with someone else. hell, she’d trade the spot of princess in an instant if it meant she’d get him, even if she had him for just seconds. “Don’t you see?” that whine had punched her in the gut, figuratively of course, and hurt her chest even further.
“All of it. Every single jerk ass move, every single smirk, disgustingly sinful grin, everything was for you.” she’d never known that. she’d always thought it was all about him refusing the betrothal. she’d always thought he’d hated what she symbolized, hated what they would be forced to be, hated her. she’d provoked when she had the chance, cockblocked with glee, had staked a verbal claim to him whenever she was able. mine, mine, mine, idiot, betrothed, romulus, romulus, romulus, angel, please, romulus, come back, mine, mine, mine, hurts, ROMULUS her brain was a screeching, withering, harsh churning of gears that didn’t fit together properly and it was a painful, chaotic mess ringing in her ear. “Can you see what it was like? To want something SO bad. To desire a kiss, a small touch, an exchange of words—but know that it would dirty the one who you viewed as a blessing? Can you see how it felt? A creature from hell doesn’t deserve to even think of a being with wings. So how could I ever hope to be with you?” she knew, she knew, she knew what it was like, at least partially. god she’d always wanted him to just talk to her - let her in. she had always wanted him to want her like she wanted him. she had wanted him to crave her presence and words like she did his. to hear him praise her as though she was some sort of angel made her stomach hurt until she felt ready to vomit. she was no angel - she’d never released her chokehold on her virtue or slashed the throat of another, but she wasn’t an angel.
“I knew the words that never came directly. I knew the looks, the thoughts that passed through heads. I knew, as soon as she fell, that the bastard would be punished for his inability to act the part of a hero.” it hurt to hear, but she had always known that he wasn’t stupid. she’d always figured he’d known that pandora and caspian hadn’t always approved. “And how would I know, Eriel?! How would I know what it feels like to have others there to support you? To have those people be ripped away from you? The only thing I know is resisting the something that you want so badly it hurts to even think about.” Her eyes watered again. I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR YOU. her brain screamed. WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST LET ME IN. PLEASE LET ME IN. ROMULUS. YOU COULD HAVE HAD ME. YOU CAN HAVE ME. her skull throbbed and her body still ached as it dragged her god-knows-where. “I’ve always loved you, Eriel. I’ve loved you since the moment I first saw you. I felt like I had won a war that would change history when I was chosen instead of Remus. But how the fuck could I ever hope to be something of value when all I ever was, was garbage? Being who I am, the unwanted offspring of a goddess, I knew it. You were meant for greater things. So how is that I still can’t see anyone but you?” that’s where the pain and the throbbing and everything bad hit full force and she couldn’t breath and her eyes were watering so bad she couldn’t see. romulus loved her. romulus loved her. romulus loved her. it repeated like a mantra under the clashing gears and noise in her head.
“THIS DARKNESS IS ONLY FILLED WITH THE WRONGS IV’E COMMITTED FOR YOU. You’re the temptation I can’t accept. A golden apple. I can wish and hope for it all I want, but it’s never to be touched by those banished by their own mother. My choice to ‘protect’ you may have been a foolish one in your eyes, but I did all I could to throw you in the direction of something more desirable. Not me.” her skin burned hot and painful and she wanted to launch herself out of her body, get out, get away, please get me out of here. her chest was heaving now, her heart climbing up her throat, desperate to get to romulus, to give him what had always belonged to him. he was the gem she could never have, the unreachable crown, she’d just wanted him - he was the most desirable thing in her life and he was breaking himself down like he wasn’t. “I’m happy. I’m happy. I’ve finally matched myself with what I’ve always been seen as. Garbage.” she was back there, watching the agony on his face as her heart began cracking into pieces. it shattered on the ground when he proceeded to bolt, leaving her there to follow. and she had. her legs picked up the pace she hadn’t known they were carrying her and then he - he was there. she could smell him on the wind and she would be lying if she said a scream didn’t pull out of her throat and she moved faster than she could ever remember moving - romulus, romulus, romulus, have to move faster, please, romulus, please. she reached the peak, skidding hard into the middle, teal oceans searching desperately for his form - WHERE WAS HE? but his scent was faint and fading, tied to a female.
eriel was drowning. she was drowning in everything and nothing and was so overwhelmed. she couldn’t breathe, everything was closing in, EVERYTHING IS SO LOUD IT HURTS. HELP ME I’M DROWNING AND I CAN’T SWIM, HELP ME, PLEASE. I’M DROWNING AND THERE’S NO ONE TO PULL ME OUT. HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME, PULL ME OUT. the thoughts were loud and screaming, louder than the gears smashing more furiously together, so loud that her ashy pillars collapsed under her - leaving her on the damp ground with her chest heaving breath out of lungs filled with glass shards and tears squeezing from between tightly clenched eyes and her brain was all she could hear even with her ears flattened to her skull and she was drowning.
"words ;; using this color as flashback atm."
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