maybe

(music ^^^^)

I knew that little Ankh was not a morning wolf, in fact, she took some persuading and time to get her up in the morning. I couldn't blame her though, it could be hard to leave the the dream world and the warmth of a den. When I was young I was often reprimanded for not being out early for assassin training, over my years though I had mastered the art of rising early and being ready to go. I watched her roll onto her back and groan, legs flopped out and her bottom teeth sticking out. "Awwhhhh, I don't wanna go yet! I want to go see the caves at the top of the mountain." she complained, and I could only chuckle at the the life and sense of adventure she held within her. "Ankh will have to visit again then, so she can show her the caves," I say, my words a promise. And maybe by the next time, she will have some playmates to run around with.

She sighs and rolls over, darting out of the den after me. "I'll race you there!" She chirps, shooting like a bullet down the mountain with her now almost one year old legs. I lope at a gentle pace after her, keeping close in case I need to stop her from tumbling or falling. Once we reached Natu, I slowed my pace, allowing Ankh to run on ahead and greet her mother. The happy barks that exploded from Ankh's mouth make a smile spread across my lips. I can not help but laugh as she all but practically tackles her mom. She was so full of life, it made my heart ache for the times that I did not get to have like she did. But I would not allow my children to fall into the same fate as me, they would have the childhood that I was never gifted on the tundra: all the friends, games, adventures.

I listen as Natu yips in happiness at seeing her daughter again, tail wagging with so much love that only a mother could give. "I have missed you, my sweet," she says, licking her daughter. I only wish that my relationship with my puppies is as good as hers with her puppies. The way that they both beam at each other, and that Ankh jumps up into her mother. This is one of the reasons I had allowed myself to fall victim to Shivershade, in order to gain something that might make me whole again. Or at least pretty darn close to as whole as I could ever be.

Natu's eyes land on me now, and I see the worry spread across her face as I break onto the scene. I know how much she worries for me and well being, but I also know that she is going through her own trails in life, so I do my best to keep mine to myself. To add my troubles to her already growing amount would simply way her down and I could not allow her to carry my burden. These were for me to drown in alone, or find a way out of. I could never pull her down with me.

I am silent as I watch her eyes shift over me, checking me for any injury. I wait as she notices my stomach, inhales deeply to try and find a scent upon my pelt to help her understand. But she would not find Shivershade's scent upon me anymore, in fact the only male she would scent would be Sleekwing. I had spent much of my time with him, finding comfort in his companionship. I had even gone so far as to move my den slightly closer to his, in case I needed to get to him quickly for help of some sort.

There is just silence between us as she moves closer, Ankh following with a wag of her tail. "My sister... you are... you will be a mother." she says, voice hushed. I nod slowly, still searching for the words in a sea full of nerves and doubts. I could almost feel them forming on the edge of my tongue, but they were too heavy to fall from my lips. "Why do you look so sad and scared?" she asks, seeing right through me as always. And then its like the world came crashing down and everything that had been built up came spilling forth. I did not cry though, for my tears had dried up like a river, but all my emotions and secrets fell from my lips like stars from the sky.

"She is sad and scared because these puppies will not have a father and she has never raised puppies before, but now she is doing it alone," I admit to her, allowing her a glimpse into my new life. I was reaching out to her and I only hoped that she did not turn her back to me the way Eric had. I had thrown myself into this situation, and I would have to find my own path way out.

10 years | loveless | tied to Eric | Spirane | ♥