Things have been… hard.

That was putting it all lightly. I never told anyone about the fact I always carried Saintly in me, I knew they would think I was crazy or something. But he thought, he felt everything I did and expressed joy upon the day my children were born for me and has lived through me and now he was gone too. It was so hard to explain to anyone I was taking my father’s loss so hard because he wasn’t the only one I had lost that day and the funeral… It was like Saintly had left me too like he had lived enough and knew it was time for him and father to be together forever but look where it left me…. Alone. I wanted to see mother, but I have not seen her since Covet’s take over and fahter’s disappearance. I wonder if she is okay if she needs me, but if she did I knew she would come for me by now. I was a bit hurt that she hadn’t but perhaps she knew I needed space and that I had my own pups and heart and soul to keep me grounded when all I wanted to do was howl in grief and agony at the sky.

Girls are allowed to cry, but me? I wasn’t allowed to lose composure. I kept myself locked up I cried for sure but the full release would never come as it should. I kept that part locked up deep down that I not only lost one, but both of these figures. One for a second time. Perhaps I was fully grieving both now… I felt Saintly go into me after his funeral and while I was sad I didn’t have his companionship I never really lost him. I move occasionally pressing my shoulder into Orion just to be sure I still have him there and I wasn’t getting lost in more than one way. My very small stature looking so non-threatening as I move beside him despite having taken a life before.

I wonder that day if I had caused pain like this in someone. If I had I hardly cared at the time… but seeing my father there knowing how he died and in such a similar way to which I had killed that demon female? Well I knew at least whoever killed my father hadn’t done it in self-defense… he was old… near deaf and blind even if he didn’t admit it… I am sure he could put a mark I anyone he wanted but he wouldn’t be going out looking for a fight… NO it was NOT the same. I reminded myself. She was trying to hurt me and Ninevah… and NO ONE would touch my children. It wasn’t the same. Still I had to wonder if her body was ever moved or if it simply was left to rot in the valley to which it was slain. Such was an assassin’s life. I chose this path and followed in his footsteps. I carried his legacy and bore to it a son who was a living incarnation of him. I knew Hyrule would do great things, if not more so because, unlike father, he had brothers and sisters to help him achieve more. I know many can do great things alone but with family… it was even more so. Should Saintly have lived I know we would have taken the world by storm. But instead I was left the single ‘non-pure’ angel child of Heyel.

I was special he told me constantly that I was. Orion continued to make me feel so at the very least. When we stop and he speaks I offer him a small smile at his joke knowing he was reffering to the one father had given us when he had found us out here. ”No I guess not, soon enough though… I know the girls will be all over our boys soon enough, if they aren’t already and Ninevah will have suitors for days.” I try to be cheerful I really do, and really talk of the kids does make me happiest in these times. ”Best be ready for that.” I say giving him a nip on the side of the neck. I love Orion with all my heart he is doing great even if it’s just being by my side… maybe that’s all I need is just… us.