| i was the better man
There is much silence between us, though it matters not. Mother will speak when it is so she desires to speak and when there are words she finds worthy of being spoken. I simply sit, I simply wait, for the night is young and long and I see no need to bother with wasted words. It is rare indeed that I seek to question Mother, for all her decisions, I am sure, are made for reason most just and most needed. She is of complete mind and sound reason- always I have known this and yet within the shadow she catss upon all whom linger before her my mind has become traitorous in its thoughts. I am not jealous- for how could one be jealous of such imperfect children? No. I am displeased that a taint is upon our blood, one she has allowed by allowing an imperfect male to lay with her in the winter. Whomever it was (and I have my suspicions) that she had lain with the winter it was so myself and my brothers were conceived was far, far superior, a bold and sound choice and it made little sense to my mind that she would seek to lower herself, that she would stumble upon this choice a second time. How had she made a choice so wise- only to make one so poor in its wake? My mind wonders all these things though I did not speak them, I have never spoken them- until now. For I had waited to see if Mother herself would steal the life from them, else fate would toss them aside. They had survived, these siblings, though only by the will of Mother. My jaws alone would have taken the weakest of them that night if only she had not prevented me and I this action I see….weakness. Though I desire it not. I desire to understand and it is for this reason alone I seek her words. I must understand.
She speaks then and I listen, one ear given to turn and no more as the perfection of my gaze lingers upon the waves ahead and savours the sound of her voice in its tones most harmonious. I had not considered such creatures may be tests, for to allow such a test she had allowed a mating of utter impurity upon herself. It seems a price most high for ‘tests’ though I remain silent still as she continues. I know well of the strength of female over male. I am superior to my brothers in all ways- this I know and yet still Anselm and Eden- my wings in this world are far, far superior to their younger brothers. Her mention of my sisters met with little more the lift of a lip in derision. The blood is impure- for the sire was impure. This does not change to my mind- but for my belief in the rightness of my Mother I will allow my sisters this doubt, this chance to prove themselves more. For my younger brothers I have no such patience.
“Si voluntas tua, ut credimus sorores Exemplo dignus ero eis feminam mares ex omnibus eminet, hoc novi. Nam etsi non curant Anselmus et voluptatis. Et viderunt deformitatem. Genitor esset impura. Hoc Experimentum probatum est. Tu scis hoc. Ille cui esset inferior vetus.”
(If it is your will that you believe my sisters are worthy then I will be as example to them, for female is superior to male in all things, this I know. For those not Anselm and Eden though I care not. I have seen their deformity. The sire was impure. Your test has proven this. You know this. He, whomever he was, was inferior to The Old One.)
It is the first time I have ever spoken of my suspicion, of my belief in the knowledge of my sire, my gaze turned to her own, seeking her reaction to this mention of The Old One, Heyel, though I do not offer his name now. I have suspected it for many years though in the end it matters little. Male’s contribute only some, little, they have a use in procreation alone and no more, my Mother’s test surely having proven the superiority of some over others though in that my voice holds no question. Only certainty. She speaks then of the bond of imprint, my lip given to curve upward in a gesture most slight.
“Vestigium novi foederis. Tetigit me once qui olim fugit. Constat me non credo quod tenebat. Dico omnium mandatum.”
(I know of the imprint bond. It has touched me once- though he has long since fled. It holds me no longer as I believe it held you. I maintain command of all things, you taught me this.)
There is much I do not say, for there is much I may hear in the absence of words, just as there is much I may see and I reveal it this night as I sit beside my Mother. I believe I know of my sire as I believe I know it was the bond of imprint that drove my Mother’s need to experiment and perhaps there is intelligence in this. My lip curving upward once more in a new understanding.
Et elegit vos veterem mentis tuae scires. Quia elegit te fata alteri. Unum tibi, et unum tibi deformes perfectio filios filiorum. Vinculum imprimere oportet regi, quod non omnia fato. Haec ostendit mihi Dominus Deus tuus experiement.
(You chose The Old One of your own mind. Fate chose for you The Other. One gave you children of perfection and one gave you deformed sons. The bond of imprint must be controlled, for Fate is not right in all things. Your experiment has shown me this.)
Am I not right? Mother had been capable of choosing perfection, where the hand of Fate would lead her to ruin. This I see. There is much I see.
Ayal
for i was a ruler amongst men |