Honestly I should feel a little guilty about being in such bliss. Sometimes in the dead of night I wake up and I lay with my head across the furred shoulders of Exodus and I consider. I think about the scampering little paws of my other children and their cries as they lusted for milk and comfort. I remember pushing them away in rages and I feel... shamed. Shameful of those actions that I will not give words to. Exodus does not pressure me, does not ask, although sometimes I can see the questions swimming in his eyes. I'm not sure he even knows about those dark thoughts in the middle of the night for he always seems to sleep so soundly. Each day I wake up more rested than the last - he teaches me but also bathes me in his attention and gifts.

When the first cold snap set in we holed up in a warm cavern in the crags. It was my best winter by far. While he never told me he wanted a child, and I never asked, I had swift come to like the idea. Part of me wonders if I did so because of what I was required in all my other relationships and I do still wonder what he sees in me. If he will leave. But he does not waver or hesitate at my side. He cares for me and his touches do not leave the same trace of bitterness that my past one's have. So when the high moon lit the snowy nights and I grew too embroiled in the estrus, we enjoyed our passions. Not for the sole purpose of pups, but for the purpose of love.

And as the days lengthened into longer nights I noticed the tell tale signs of change. I didn't need to announce my pregnancy, that much was given by the change in my scent, and Exodus had seemed ecstatic. I had grinned then, suddenly looking forward to the prospect of a family. A real, loving family! I felt as if I was in the twilight zone.

But I still wondered about my other children. After our pup was born, I resolved, I would go and assuage my guilt. I would... make sure they were fine.

Still, I wake once more in the dead of night shivering despite the warmth radiating from Exodus. This chill is from the nightmare that flashes behind my eyes. A silver-blue wolf snarling at me, cursing at me, plaguing me. His tormented laughs ring in my ears - you'll never loose me. I press my nose into Exodus's scruff and nudge to waken him, my fear too great to fall back to sleep. "Love..." I say on a whimper.