Look, okay, let’s just set the records straight here. Here’s some things you need to know about me.

1. I’m a boy.
2. I’m having the worst week of my life okay I lost my home and my mum and my sister and I’m in this weird new place and everything wants to eat me
3. I’m a boy.
4. All I wanted was somewhere cosy to sleep.
5. I’m a god damn boy.

Big Double Eyes totally doesn’t believe I’m a boy. This is even worse than the time I first met Uncle Kacey and he got me and Thalia mixed up and then said ‘oh, well, he did seem a bit feminine’. It would have been okay because Uncle Kacey is crazy, but Thalia and mum just nodded thoughtfully like they could totally see where he was coming from. Anyway, that was years ago and I’ve grown up and got way manlier since then, so having my masculinity denied is just… it’s just…

He looks down on me with this big gruff expression and missing teeth and scars and stuff, and suddenly I feel like telling him that he can do anything he wants. He wants me to be a girl? Sure, I’ll be a girl. Just don’t eat me.

I mean, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be a girl. Thalia and mum are cool. And my only reference point for boy behaviour is Uncle Kacey, and, well… let’s just say it’s probably no surprise that maybe I wouldn’t be scoring a hundred percent on a ‘boys will be boys’ exam.

Maybe if I’d had a dad – OH MY GOD.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD.

I… he… oh. my. GOD.

Look, if you read Tora’s post before mine then you should know what just happened, so I’m not going to repeat it. Let’s just fast forward to the bit where he drops my leg and stands back, exclaiming in surprise at what he’d just seen. Me? I’m lying on the ground with my head up and my lower jaw somewhere down there on the floor. A bug flies past my mouth but I’m too frozen to recoil. My eyes are wide, my mouth hanging open like I’m silently screaming. Which I am, in my head. This is me, in my head:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

What did I do to deserve this? Maybe in a past life I was a murderer.

Whitebrow starts talking about bears again, which doesn’t snap me out of my trance so much as slowly wakes me from it. I shake my head and close my mouth, inhaling deeply through my nostrils. I cling to the scent of damp earth filling my nose, the vibrations of the soil beneath my claws, the rough rock wall scraping my fur… anything to give me something to focus on other than… ahem. Fortunately, Double Eyes is a distraction enough from himself. I totally believe him when he says he’d tell a bear to fuck off. I wouldn’t be surprised if I caught him telling God to fuck off, not gonna lie.

I take another few deep breaths before obediently clambering back onto my feet, keeping my head low and my tail wedged firmly between my legs.

“Th-they are?” I ask, confused. Women are traitors? All women? Even Thalia? “Um… we do?”

Come on, Lefty! A big scary guy who tells bears to fuck off wants to stick up for you. Don’t be such a loser.

Right, right. How To Not Be A Loser: a manual by me. I wish.

“Um, I’m, um…” I garble for a moment, before finding my talking voice again. “I’m Lefty. Um… are we, er… two men… bonded?”

LEFTERIS
homeless two year-old cub. bugs suck.