A wide river dominates this section of the forest. Romance is in the air, and wolves of all ages come to search for their mate.
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Posted on August 27, 2018 at 04:20:56 PM by Kahlan
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I am losing myself to my own mind, and I do not even know how I feel about it. Once upon a time, it had seemed like such a good idea - to close myself off to everything… But I fear now that it is altering how I view everything, and perhaps not for the better. There are certain… Choices… that I have made that I know for a fact would have been different had I been in full contact with my emotions. And my past self does not approve of who I have become, and that was certainly not my goal. No… I wanted to become the best version of myself that I could be, and perhaps I was naďve in thinking that this was the way to go about it. There was a time when I was loved, respected, even sought out for my abilities, and now? What am I but a recluse, a hermit, an urchin, a parasite. Where is the symbiosis that should balance all things? Should I not get what I give? If so, why is it that I am getting so much more that I am giving… And although it is not quite a conscious choice, I see the selfishness there all the same, I know that this is not sustainable, that something has to give. I can only hope that my mind will survive it despite the cracks in it already … But my mind is set. I cannot close myself off like this any longer, and no matter what the tidal wave brings, even if it is death, it shall be better than this. It has to be better than this… The night I spent with Kirastasia is so fresh in my mind, and yet it seems so far away. There had been a time when we spent every night together, but that was before all of this, that was right at the beginning, the beginning of the end. How far I’ve fallen and now instead I have no one… But that’s not entirely true. I have my pups, and I know that they love me despite my faults, and it pains me that I cannot do right by them. Pain… One of the many emotions that has already slipped through the cracks in my barricade. It pains me so, but perhaps that is a good thing. Should not I strive to be better, if not for myself but at least for them? I should, I know I should… And yet I know that I have already failed one pup completely and entirely. I remember only that I was pregnant with her... yes, I know that it was a girl - but the rest comes in bits and pieces that I cannot quite put together into a conscious stream. But I know that Kershov and I bore a pup together before this litter, one besides the two I have now, and that she has become lost to me, lost to me, perhaps forever. I don’t quite know how to get her back, how to find her. Have I already met her and did not know it? Perhaps… Perhaps… And the only thing I can think of that may work is this - is returning to who I once was. A female gray wolf who has lost everything that mattered. Whose family has been decimated by war and disease. Who was left by all of her friends, whose home was torn away from her not once, but twice… And whose lover had lent her so much pain and betrayal so as to not to be fixable. But going this way is my only path if I wish to right the wrongs that I have committed and I know no other way. There will be many steps along my way to healing myself, I think perhaps the first will be returning to my calling - to becoming a healer once more. I had not learned the skill from my mother, nor from any of my blood relatives, but my teacher had been family nonetheless. Moth… Please forgive where I have gone, and help guide me to a better place. I will not pray to the gods, but I will pray to you, old friend, may you have found peace in your death. As I have done so many times before, I once again leave the pack that I call home, leave my pups, and head toward the river, looking for solitude, but perhaps also looking for answers. I cannot stay within my confines any longer, for our use them as a guard, and I cannot have that any longer. I must break down the walls I built myself, I must fix this. The hours of travel pass within a blink of an eye, what a pity. I had planned to use them for thought, to process my plan, but it seemed that my my mind was elsewhere as it so often is. Where is it that I go, when I go… But it does not matter right now, but I’ve made it to my destination. And the cool waters of the river are like a purifying spell as I go but down viciously. AnyWho watch me would think that I had never taken a sip of water before, or perhaps that I had traversed a great doesn’t it… But I am just trying to fill the void I feel within me. It’s not within my stomach, but in my heart if I even still have one. But at least now I am full there if nothing else. But I am not alone… I’m not sure whether this makes me happier or angry, and with a stoic mask I turn to face my companion, my lips moving by rote memorization. “Well then, who are you? |
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