These chains were cut to fit my broken bones
Thunder rumbles in the sky above, an ominous sound so deep that it trembles in her bones. But the lone mare does not flinch at the sound of it, merely hunches her shoulders and lowers her head in resignation. The sky was growing darker – full of angry grey clouds that were busy swallowing up the sun, while own below, Tigerlily was falling to pieces. How was it that every time she grasped onto a silver lining that she chanced upon, it tarnished within moments? Maybe all her sorrow was justified, the price she was called upon to pay for the anger that had flowed through her when she was younger. It had been so integral to her childhood, that she’d needed it as much as air. It had been her armour, protecting her from all the hurts and disappointments she’d weathered. But just as silver tarnishes, and armour rusts, so too the walls she’d built up around herself, with great care and diligence, to keep others
out, these had crumbled into dust around her. Tigerlily was standing in the ruins of a life that had once been so full of love and hope. But she’d been unable to let go of the rage within her, and everything was lost to her now.
Tigerlily was alone.
Her beloved brothers had chosen to leave without her. Her mother had never returned. Only Dances With Wolves had stayed, but even he despised her now. The sky thundered above her, and the stormclouds broke, raining down upon the buckskin splash mare, soaking her skin. Dances had told her that he had to leave, and begged Lily to leave with him. But Tigerlily wouldn’t. This was their
home. It was where they belonged. These islands were sacred to the mare, Tinuvel most of all, and she’d abandoned them once.
Never again. And she had been so broken by the idea that Dances, who’d always kept her at a distance but had never left her entirely, not even when all the others left, in search of Nephilim, of Mariael, Maziel and Zevulun. Dances With Wolves and Echo were all the family Lily had left. Once, when she was younger, she’d needed the guidance of a father from Dances, and he’d denied her that. He couldn’t deny what TIgerlily had asked of him now, begged him, brimming with emotion, on her knees, brokenhearted.
Please don’t leave me alone.
A babe grew in her belly now. Dances had been gentle, more uncomfortable than ever around her. Long had they surmised that he was not her father, even as she’d needed him to be when she was a filly. But Dances With Wolves had loved Sai tenderly, once upon a time, and though neither Tigerlily’s markings nor colouring matched Dances With Wolves, he could never be
sure. Tigerlily was, however, and she had convinced him. As he’d departed from her after their brief moment of intimacy, tears had streamed down Tigerlily’s muzzle. She’d believed this would be the last time she’d ever see him, making his way across the moonlit meadow without hesitation, not looking back even once. It was the way of things, Lily had supposed. The message was clear: she was not worth holding onto.
Not even an hour later, Dances had raced back to her, cutting a path through the starlit meadow. Tigerlily recognised the signs – once upon a time, the thrum of rage had been as familiar to her as her own heartbeat. She had not even tried to avoid his bared teeth as he lunged at her, crying aloud how it was all her fault. Echo had been left alone, defenceless without Dances With Wolves, and some brute had found and cornered her, forced himself upon her and left her desolated. If Tigerlily hadn’t been selfish, this never would have happened.
No wonder they all left, Dances had hissed in grief and anguish, anger and blame.
Everyone close to you suffers. Once upon a time, Tigerlily would have gone for the throat of any who spoke ill of her (only her brothers had been safe from her, and back then, she had loved Dances with her whole heart). But now she just hunched her shoulders against the cutting words, as if she felt she deserved to bleed.
For days, she’d lingered here, south of the meadows. What did it matter what happened to her? The only ones she’d had left had deserted her entirely, and she was so alone. With nothing but her memories for company, she’d come to believe that Dances With Wolves was right. She was good for nothing and no-one. She had been conceived in rage, resentment driving her mother into a stranger’s path. And she herself had conceived in rage, once before. The foal had been born, silent and lifeless. Perhaps the fury within her had killed the filly, whose skin was reminiscent of the pale warmth of sunrise upon the snowbanks of Tinuvel. Perhaps the child that surely grew within her would never live either. The thought of bearing another stillborn turned Tigerlily’s battered and bruised heart cold, just as the rain soaking her skin and plastering her mane to her golden neck sent shivers as the biting wind chilled her to the bone.
Where could she go? The Bay, her
home was empty of anyone who knew or loved her. Strangers lived there now, and she did not have the strength or desire to walk among the ghosts of her past just yet. Who would want her? No good could come from a mare who was broken and bitter, and carried the scent of a male upon her skin, carried his offspring within her. She was in turmoil within, lost without her family, and empty of the anger that had always driven her.
Lightning flashed and thunder cracked. Tigerlily gave herself over to the storm, letting the rain wash over her, only raising her head as the rain began to ease, lifting her head and tilting her muzzle towards the stormy grey above her, letting loose a shrill cry. The rain had pooled around her hooves, so that even the earth beneath her no longer felt solid. The shivering mare squinted through the last of the raindrops, making out a lone figure approaching.
“If you are wise, you’ll leave me,” Tigerlily rasps a warning, her throat dry, her mouth parched. '
Just like everyone else,' she thinks, but doesn’t have the strength to condemn herself further with these words.
“I feel I am cursed, you see. Misfortune follows wherever I go, and I keep only misery for company. ”
In time, the sun would shine again, and Tigerlily would return to being strong and fierce. But for now, even though the rain had reduced to a light drizzle, great rolls of thunder still rumbled above and within. All that was to be done was to weather the storm.
T I G E R L I L Y
the steel is cold; it feels like home.