It should have been me.

No, Iscariot longed to say. It should have been me. Siobhan has her family, and you have her. Rivaini and Faolain have each other. But me... no one needs me. Not like that. Knowing the pain that such words could inflict, however, the perlino stallion did not speak them. It was enough to know that they were true. That the Ridge would move on without him. That it would mourn, perhaps, but survive as it couldn’t without anyone else. And as much as the truth hurt, it was also a relief - because he couldn’t imagine anyone as broken over his absence as Roisin was over her mother’s. And knowing that you’d hurt the ones you loved was unbearable.

He was grateful when Faolain moved up to stand on the filly’s other side, trapping her gently between their bodies. Having the black ‘Teke so close… it comforted him, too. Even if he couldn’t agree with the words that followed. Iscariot agreed that it wasn’t Roisin’s fault but he hated that Faolain felt responsible for the girl’s family having been torn apart. Everyone in the Ridge did their part to protect the family, after all - everyone except him. All he’d done was tag alone with Roisin and Akadi like some kind of overgrown child, the pale stallion thought with a sinking sense of shame. As if his joy had meant more than everyone else’s… as if he thought himself above the burdens of adult responsibility.

And while he didn’t want Roisin to hate him, it would be far easier to deal with that than the self-hatred he’d heard buried beneath her desperate words. "It isn’t about bravery, Roi," he began in his own gentle voice. "You’re braver than most. Braver than me. I could have fought to protect her. I should have, because that’s what stallions are supposed to do. But I-" -can’t because of my legs, he might have finished. If it was the whole truth, and not just a facade worn for the sake of concealing his fear. "-I didn’t, and I’m sorry too."

In truth, while Iscariot’s apology was genuine - he didn’t really want to be forgiven. As useless as he often felt, it was only made worse by the fact that everyone was so understanding about it. Rivaini had even forbidden him from sparring for fear that he might hurt himself. As if his potential worth as a guardian of the RIdge was so insignificant, it wasn’t worth the risk of training him.

As if he wasn’t already hurting, forced to watch as the ones he loved were swept away from him.

Perhaps if he and Faolain were alone, he might have fought his case with the dark ‘Teke. But the dun filly was more important than anything else right now - and it wasn’t like a single day could determine his worth. Pressing his lips to the top of the girl’s head one last time, the perlino prepared himself to step away if she saw the truth in his words. "Roi, you didn’t let anyone down. We - no, I failed you. I’m your friend, but I was too scared to protect you. Too scared to protect your mom." Shifting his weight, the stallion winced as pain crackled up his left hind. As he settled back in, hower, an idea occurred to him. Glancing at Faolain, he continued.

"I don’t know how to fight Roisin, and I’m not brave like you are. But maybe Faolain can show both of us, and you can help me. I already know you’re a good teacher, after you showed me how to get those feathers to stay in Akadi’s mane." If nothing else, perhaps giving the girl a new purpose could help to pull her out of the dark chasm into which she’d fallen. Even if he turned out to be as weak and worthless as suspected, it would be worth it to bring even a fleeting smile to Roi’s face again.

"If we worth together, Roi, I know we can bring her back. And keep her - and each other - safe."