OOC: forgive me, I’m using PPD as a lame excuse for my very long stretch of away *finger guns*

Depression fell on Faolain’s shoulders like a cloak as soon as her body was free of Vesper’s weight. She did not have words to describe how she felt, only the humid silence in her fogged mind. It was too dense to breathe, or speak, and she choked when she tried - so she did not try. For a few weeks she lived in a vicious cycle of being tired and tired of being tired, to the extent that she could hardly get up to graze or nurse her daughter. On the good days, she did little more than curl into Rivaini’s side and take all of the pleasure she could from her touch before her happiness turned to ash again. On the bad days, she curled up alone.

During this time, she still managed to patrol, though less often, and she was able to keep Vesper safe and fed. But she was unaware of how often the black filly lingered at Rivaini’s heels, not only inseparable from Selune but also simply because she was lonely. To Vesper, her mother had become a shell - a shadow of a mare. Faolain would be present from time to time, and those moments were blissful for the filly. But in her absence, seemingly unbothered - Vesper simply sought other company.

Usually, when the waves of despair retreated, the relief was sudden and brief before the next swell rushed in and pulled Faolain back out to sea. She was surprised, then, to find one morning that she was groggy with a slowly-retreating tide. Vesper was not at her side. Faolain waited for the numbness to envelop her, or evaporate the rest of the way, but it did not. She rose from her spot in the shelter of an overhanging rock, and found that she was just… tired. Not drowning in depression, not filled with blissful energy, just tired.

Faolain shook herself off. Vesper’s scent lead down the Ridge’s tangled slopes, and Faolain followed it at an easy walk. The sun filtered down through the canopy and warmed her back. She wanted to find Vesper, both to make sure she was safe, but also to spend time with her daughter before the darkness inevitably swallowed her again. She did not have quite enough energy to trot down the mountainside, but she found that a brisk walk was alright.

As it turned out, Vesper was playing a hiding game - probably with Selune, but Faolain wasn’t sure. It was her favorite game, and she was good at it. A half hour passed and Faolain could not track down her daughter, but she did not panic. There were no dark waves lapping at her heels yet, and she scented no predators or strangers within the Ridge’s borders.

Not long after looping back to where she had begun her search, Faolain caught the Rivaini’s scent, and her heart panged with guilt. She had not been avoiding her mate, exactly, but she hadn’t made much effort to seek her out during her struggle. In some ways, Faolain was embarrassed - she could not figure out why she felt so terrible, and because she did not have an answer for herself, she had no idea how she could explain her pain to Rivaini. She felt undeserving of the red Guardian’s love, and ashamed of herself for feeling so weak.

In a sense, though, it was also simply comfortable to remain in the dark alone. Clawing out was hard, and she feared that if Rivaini tried to help, Faolain would only drag her down as well. She suspected her heart, already aching from her companion’s absence, would only pain her deeper if she had to watch Rivaini suffer in the same way.

Her head was clearing as the day progressed, though, and Faolain was coming to realize that she could not wallow on her own forever. She might have thought she was sparing Rivaini more pain, but it was impossible she had not also hurt her lover in different ways by retreating so far into herself. Her dark ears splayed as guilt gripped her hard, and she faltered at the edge of Rivaini’s trail. She expected the remorse to trigger a rush of numbness again, and for a few moments she waited for the suffocation to begin again.

But it didn’t. Uncertainly, she lowered her nose and followed the scent of her red Guardian. The scents of Selune and Vesper tangled with it a few times, and though Faolain felt the urge to seek out her daughter, she resisted. She knew that the dark filly was safe, and this was more important right now than a hiding game.

Nervously, Faolain drew to a halt. She could hear someone shifting just beyond the leaves in front of her. She let out a nicker before pushing through the foliage.

”Rivaini?” she said quietly.