Re(1): Shedding light

Picture the scene: It's like a celibate priest's worst nightmare. You are proudly leading out Ladybarn's second best quiz team into the glare of The Stadium of Murk's floodlight when you are suddenly accosted by an elderly gentleman wearing his trilby at an impossibly rakish angle and carrying a tape measure and small torch of the type commonly used by doctors and Lionel Blair enthusiasts to explore the regions of the body where the sun don't shine.Frenzied cries of "Vade retro Satanas" did little to lessen the looming prospect of trial by tape measure and Heaven knows what forfeit that would have to be paid for failing to live up to Eric's impossibly high expectations.

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