 |
I enjoyed watching my children grow by Natalya's guidance. I never doubted her mothering skills but it tore into me each time they laughed and talked because I should be there with them, laughing and talking, sharing stories, being a part of their lives. That's what a good father does. I have failed from the start. I was there for their birthing and I took care of them while their mother was ill but then I vanished from their lives for long and I was just starting to earn it back, earn their respect back, when the blast happened and now I have been gone for two years and I will probably never regain that respect. That hurts more than anything. I used to hate puppies. I used to despise the sight of them. Who would think just a few years later my only wish would be to take back time and be the greatest father ever to my children? I miss them, all of them. I have kept an eye on Natalya and she breaks my heart more than anything, to know that she's just out of reach and yet I feel like she's a million miles away. I had to be quick at first becauase I would catch her head spinning to look or her ears flickering, some sign that she's aware of another's presence. She was an assassin, too, I have to keep that in mind. She's aware of the slightest change in her environment. One has to be, to surivive when you're on your own. I watch her hunt day by day, wishing I could leave something by her den, a rabbit, a squirrel, something to help out. But I know that in the end it would just look like an apology gift, something to beg for her forgiveness and a rabbit or squirrel is not worthy of that. A full grown buffalo is not worthy of that. Nothing is. I have failed her....again. When I approach, I feel self conscious all of a sudden, like I should look better, stronger, firmer. I'm still fit as I can be but age is creeping up on me . I'm fourteen now and I'm no longer in my prime. It makes me feel unworthy of her, this aging thing. I'm supposed to be immortal, forever in my prime for her. How else can I protect her forever? I want to race forward, nuzzle in her fur, burrow my way in and never come out again but my loyalty to Kiska holds me back. I chose her and I can't turn back on that now. I don't want to and yet....my draw to Natalya is stronger than ever. She doesn't even turn to face me, instead letting her voice do what her face would do just as easily...drive me to my knees. My ears fold back and I look down at the ground. She is off doing her own thing, making new friends, checking out the new world we live in. I...see the kids are growing up fast. They look great. They have your strength... My voice trails off but I grit my teeth and plunder right into what I've been holding in, knowing that it could just dig me a deeper grave. I failed you...again. I failed them again. If I could apologize every second of every day till my dying breath to make it better, I would. Natalya...I can't stay away from you. I can't stop checking on you from the shadows as I've been doing for the past two years. I just have to know that you're okay. |