<font color=#610B0B><i>Why</i> Am I So Dead Awake?</font>

Looking for answers why
It's so real, it's not fake

I keep my back to him as he speaks, knowing full well what a look in his eyes could do to me. I would fall, again, and I had built myself up so far. I have remained strong, I have kept him confined to the darkest parts of my memory, thinking of him only when I slept alone and the children were off doing their own thing. At first I cried. Alone, cold, hurt, angry, depressed, cold. So many emotions had roiled through my heart and tore at my gut. I felt the bond between us slacken, loosen around my neck and I felt I could breathe again. He could go one with his life, make new children with his mate, and I could continue mine. Hearing him now, visualizing the strong features of his face...it claws at my soul, tries to force me to turn and look at him. As he speaks of Kiska, I feel my hackles raise slightly. She is still a sore spot for me, even after two years. He switches the subject quickly, refocusing on our litter, the ones I had died to bring into this world. To him, it seems to mean nothing, what I went through, what I gave to him, means nothing. I snarl, lip raising to reveal angry white fangs.

Who are you to speak of them? My rage grows as he mentions my strength, as if he knows, as if he cared at all. They have it, and they will keep it. From you they have only learned to leave. To abandon. To destroy. I strike at him again and again verbally, ire rising as we speak. I listen to the sob story that spills from his lips, feeling my heart swell and break anew as he claims to care for my well-being. You have followed me thus far. I wonder what Kiska will do when she finds her imprint. And I hope it crushes you. I hope it takes your breath away and I hope you never get it back. I growl deeply, turning to face him for the first time since speaking to him. My yellow eyes reflect every ounce of anger and resentment I hold for him in this moment.

I feel it then, like a leash snapping at my neck, jerking me back as it does. It is a slap in the face to feel this pull at my heart, another cruelty of Fate. My heart grows, as does my regret and the love I feel for him comes rushing back to the surface as if it was the day in our clearing. I stare openly at him, tears rising in my eyes as hope rises so quickly in my soul. How dare the fates demand I love a male who cannot be mine. How dare they think I will listen to them, how dare they make me feel such an awful and weak feeling. Hope is dashed as reality checks in, whispering images of Kiska's golden crowned face across my memory. I scream. Mouth opening wide in my rage to feel our bond now more than ever. To feel it strengthen as I snap, to feel that tug at my heart and soul, to feel my life connect to his as the bond reconnects itself. My eyes remain locked to his as lips pull back over gaping fangs, saliva dripping to the earth in my rage and sorrow. Misery, misery, misery. If they wish it they will have it and who am I to deny the gods what they wish but a lowly earthen mortal upon their beautiful land?

They hate us, I am sure the gods only keeps us to make us miserable. Like a kid with a magnifying glass sitting beside an anthill. My hackles raise as I rebel against the feelings this bond instills in me, I fight it with every ounce of my being. It should not be this way, he should be mine, and only mine until death. You should be mine! You should only want me! Am I so inferior that you could love another the way you should want to love me!? We are made for each other! Two halves of the same whole, cut from the very same fabric that created our one soul, you should want me and only me with every fiber of that fabric! Do you!? NO, I am not enough for you, you must have her as well. And for what? For some unspoken attraction you had before me? I shatter. Two years of thought, of hidden feeling, of regret, of sorrow and misery spilled out into the ground before him as my body slumps. I crumble into the ground, a bag of organ and bone, sobbing and breaking as my mind shatters and the bond grows. I love him, my soul demands it, my heart soars for it. But, I only wish to let him go, to make him happy and get on with my life, to release him from this horrible bondage of souls. Alas, the fates demand we go through this torment, to feel the need for another more fiercely than I could ever want anyone else.

And why am I so dead awake
Please just one more time

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