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I still love her and it's eating me alive. The day the meteor hit the earth, I went crazy. One minute I was staring at Kiska, making sure she was okay and the next, my eyes went blind and all I could think about was the pain, the severing of my link to Natalya. My ears started ringing and my whole body froze. I remember her name bellowing in my head, taking over my mind. All I could think about is her and how I know she's still alive and yet I feel so separate from her. My head was spinning and my mind was spiraling downward fast. I felt like I was going insane. I felt nauseous and restless, all I wanted to do was run to her, see if she's okay and yet my feet couldn't move. The severed link was more than frustrating, it was downright wrong. It just felt wrong. I kept tabs on her but I never got close enough to re-link us. I could never let her out of my sight though. I kept inhaling her fragrance, watching her for signs of injury or helplessness. Natalya has never been the helpless type so I had no doubts in her in staying strong without me. I didn't know if she wanted me to be with her, after everything that's happened. Our last words were words of regret and hate and that kills me more than anything. I could have easily been the last time we ever saw each other and I let her leave hating me. I could never forgive myself if something had happened to her. I saw flashes of Ellie with her sometimes and I could swear I saw Capone and Fathom too but I'm not one hundred percent positive. I think about them every day. I know that I'm lossing them little by little by not showing myself. They already had issues with me abandoning them before. What will they think of me now? I went through a lot of grief in two years, going back and forth on showing myself to them, to her, but I held back, afraid of what would happen. What if she rejected me? What if she wants nothing to do with me? What if my children already hate me because I wasn't there for them right after the blast? But I can't hold back anymore. With every day, my draw to her grows stronger, not weaker. Our link may be severed but the pull to her is stronger than ever, the urge to renew our link and make her mine once more. I can't keep it up any longer. I must see her, hear her voice, whether it be filled with hate or laced with disappointment. I take a deep breath and stride out of the shadows where I've been hiding, watching. Ears flick back, eyes uncertain as I come up behind her, stopping a few feet away. Natalya...I'm glad you're okay. I can't think of anything else to say and it sounds so lame as a greeting after two years but I can only hope that I'm not digging myself in any deeper with her. I hold back the urge to burrow my head in her fur, to tell her I love her and I can't live without her. I love Kiska but I also love Natalya. I can't deny that. I could never deny that. |