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Amir may never know how much he meant to me. I trained him for a year. He was the only one who came to me for training, the first out of any of my children, save for Kane. I didn't expect to have to train anyone else save for my children but Amir wanted it. He needed it, so I gave it to him. I talked to him and lended him my ear when he needed to talk himself. I heard about Bluejay before I even met her. I knew how much she meant to him. And I let him cry when he needed to, giving him privacy so he wouldn't be so embarassed. He cried mostly over his lost family, the family that Vague had destroyed, taken from him. I understand his need for revenge, truly, I do. I've never needed vengence for anyone in my life before because I've never been attached to anyone before Kiska and Natalya and my children. Before Amir himself. When Vague poisoned him, I wanted to kill Vague. I wanted to take him down right there in front of Heyel. Honor was the only thing holding me back. Heyel didn't want him dead on Trenus soil. I wanted him lifeless and ripped limb from limb, but I respected his decision and it cost me Vague's life. He got away once we were away from Trenus. I was going to hunt him down but then Amir went and pulled his fatal error. He went after Ruvindra. I could have protected him if he went after Vague again, but not her. She was an innocent, her only crime being that she loves Vague. To say I'm just disappointed would be a lie. I'm angry, so angry, angry at myself as much as at Amir. Amir betrayed me, betrayed the pack. He let me down. All that work put into him, wasted. But I should have been there to stop him. I should have been there to turn him away from it but I wasn't and that is my crime. I hate myself for it, for letting him fall like this. I tell him to let it hurt. I don't mean that the pain should grow stronger. I meant that he should grow stronger from it, learn from it, let it improve him. There is always room for improvement. It's what I was trained believing. He starts talking, telling me that all he's ever wanted was a chance to make me proud. He has no idea how much I believed in him, how much I was proud of him. When he ran through the thickets, I watched from afar. Curious of where he was going when he left Paracon, I would follow soundlessly and watch him train by himself. Pride swelled my chest so many times and after a while, I quit following him, just watching every time he left Paracon, sure that he was just going to train. I was so mad at myself when I heard about him being poisoned. I should have followed that time but I didn't. I blame myself for it. He tells me that he would do anything and he catches the hint about becoming an Omega at Kane's pack. He is willing to do this, to be the lowest wolf, to be the scape goat, all to make me proud. I don't know how to react. I am speechless. A heavy sigh finally drips from my muzzle. Then you will meet me at the borders once Kane and Isola are officially in Diveen. I will explain to them before you get there and see what they say about this arrangement. You will keep the name Malum until you prove that you are worthy for your true name once more. You want your chance? This is it. Prove that you can start from the bottom, take the beatings, and work your way up. Prove that you deserve my respect again. Prove that you deserve my trust. My eyes burn into his, willing him to stay strong. Even after everything, I do want him to succeed. |