I have not left this place save to hunt and to get fresh air in about a week, my form has grown thick with life and I know that I am in need of a safe place to have the pups Devil and I have created. These will be the most closely guarded, I have lost too much to simply let them wander about and do their own thing, there is too much at stake on their lives. I cannot simply let them be, for Fate has shown me what she does to the innocent when my back is turned. Capone having gone off somewhere, probably ended up like Fathom. Ellie...I have not seen my Ellie since coming back here. It hurts to know that I never got to understand my children, that they left home so soon. These I will not be so horrible with. I had been bitter, hateful, perhaps even a little spiteful with my firsts, their father looking back at me each time I looked on their faces. How wrong I had been...This time will be far different. I will not fail this time. I cannot.

I am tired, and so I lay my head down to rest, dreams of Devil and I finally happy and together with our pups surrounding us swimming through my head like fish swim in the water. Such things torture my subconscious, my waking mind knowing better than to think of this as a possibility. He doesn't want me like this, and perhaps he never did. It is odd that I should feel so at peace within the gloom of his den, his smell fading from the walls, hers already gone thanks to my frequent visits. I wonder if he will even know of my repeated use of it. Though honestly I do intend to make better uses out of this spot. I do not have the time nor energy to be digging out my own den, so I am using this one to bring the lives we created into light. They will be born within Diveen's borders, as Kiska's would have been had she appeared here. A soft growl escapes me as I think of her, jealousy panging yet again. Will I ever be rid of her memory?

I have nothing against her personally, aside from the fact that she had my imprint in a way that I never will. In fact, we had come damn close to being friends before, though I pretty much ruined that as well in my envy. I don't understand why I had been so enraged by his decision, I would have done the same in his situation. Being strung along by Fate is not fun, having your heart strings played like a lute is no basket of joy. I dream of a world I will never live in, half wishing I hadn't made it passed the meteor. I wonder if he will show up before they do, these little beings will need a father. Capone, Ellie, and Fathom did not have that opportunity, I had kept them away from him and his other family, depriving them of the structure of a stable family. Now, is not the time for bitter thoughts, I cannot do this anymore. I do not want to be angry with him any more, I simply want to live the rest of my life with a relative peace, aside from our dark past time.

Something wakes me from my thoughts, I don't truly sleep anymore, not even here. I simply close my eyes and try to relax, daydreaming about things that really shouldn't be crossing my mind. I mean, why do I torture myself like this? Not time to think about that now. The pressure in my abdomen has begun to intensify and I remember the feeling well from the last time. Fear constricts my heart and a rare whine leaves my lips. What if I don't make it this time? What if Death wins and takes me to see my mother? I inhale sharply, releasing the breath slowly to calm myself, soothing my fears. I force myself to relax, laying on my side and panting in this evening's balmy warmth. I pant lightly, waiting, the pressure in my stomach easing slowly. I wonder if he will even come to this birth, knowing what he thinks I am. Ghosts do not have pups, ghosts do not feel pain. Perhaps, this will be the break through he will not wish to see.

Either way, I move to the mouth of the den, exiting as the contraction eases. I need to move this time, and I do. I go outside, the breeze bringing pollen and dust to my nostrils, making me sneeze, which causes my stomach to cramp a little. I pause in my steps, closing my bright yellow eyes against the pain that my sneezing causes. I breathe through the cramping, through the tightening in my abdomen. Then, as the second contraction eases, I howl. I fill my lungs with all the air I can, and send my song out to him, the volume sure to capture his ears, and the message clear within my lyrics. I need him, and I need him now. I pace after I end the song, my movements slow, patient, easy. It is about twenty minutes before the next contraction hits. I am timing them now by the rise of the moon, the shadows it makes spreading across the ground as the night wears on.