I'm beginning to feel like a Dungeon Dragon

soul forever her own | heart captured by none | Hastati for Glorall | no children |

Did she even have organs anymore? It didn't feel like she did, hearts and lungs and kidneys and things turning to dust and pouring out through her paws. It was like her skin and fur was a shell now, her body full up of emotions-turned-vapors instead of bones and blood and muscle. The fog of emotions was writhing within her, the strongest combat in the place of her heart. They fought and snarled at one another, baying for dominance. The ones on his side; budding love, the feeling of safety when he was around and comfort were the loudest but then again so were the ones on her side; independence, logic, and reason. Not to mention her sheer stubbornness, unwilling to give up control of her own self to a wolf she hardly knew.

And her fear. Oh, her fear. Perhaps that mist-feel was the strongest of all. She had never depended on anyone other than herself. Sure, she let others think she depended on them, but when it came down to it, it was just her and her alone. She saw so many betrayed by the ones they thought they could trust, destroyed when the ones they so believed wholeheartedly in failed. She'd seen the grief when a loved one dies, the strongest when your other half went. It had made lesser wolves crumble. The stronger went on, trying to be happy. Maybe they could find contentment but that hole'd never be filled. Eventually, no matter how hard you fought or how much you tried, everything you love will go away. She didn't want that, avoided love to avoid the certainty of grief and dying first only to leave her love behind or dying last no while longer whole.

She was afraid of being let down, of the grief, of being a burden instead of a suitable mate. Her heart was deformed. Not broken, mind you, she never let anyone close enough to even scratch at the walls, but deformed. It didn't work right. It was never selfish, giving up food and shelter and even blood for complete strangers and even more for her own. She gave her first kill in days to Nootau and Adina when she happened upon them without so much as a lick. She fought off and killed a lynx for Nootau when he ran into her, fleeing the starving cat. She'd five up her den for anyone who needed it, content to sleep outside in the elements. It was never self-serving because it had never learned to be, and if it had once, it denounced it, disowning it. This was the first time it wanted something for itself and she couldn't figure out why. Her mind and her heart were separate entities, her mind controlling her emotions once she locked her heart away to gather dust and cobwebs. She'd never had a problem before, so why was it rebelling now? What about the merle made her insides mutiny? Her mind screamed she should never find find out but her heart wished he'd step out from the shadows and reappear. She normally had a vapor lock on her emotions; now she half expected smoke to come out when she exhaled.

Oh how the mighty fall in love,

Quickly, violently, and against their will with little or no provocation.

Her ears twitched at Chicky's words and she sighed, feeling guilty for disrupting her fairytale image. "Yes, I'm sure." She sounded almost tired now, as if all this constant fighting herself was wearing her down. It was, but she'd never tell anyone that. With words, at least. "It's...Hard to explain..." She started, trying to find a way to describe how imprints felt without her own feelings color her words. "You...Feel safe with them, even if you've just met for the first time. You want to be near them all the time and when they're away, you almost feel like you're missing a part of you." She sighed, laying her head on her paws. "And when you see them again, no matter if they only spent a day or two away, you are ecstatic at seeing them again and being able to feel and nuzzle and touch them again. Everything just clicks back into place and the universe is right again." She fell silent, mulling over her thoughts, debating on telling her any more. She knew she should, knew she couldn't handle emotions of this caliber forever, no matter how hard she tried. "In the case of me and him," She couldn't say his name, not yet. "I want to embrace him and rip his throat out at the same time. Is that normal?"

She peered up at her sister, it clear in her eyes that she wasn't used to these emotions of love and romance and didn't know how to handle them. Resented them for some unknown reason. For once in her life, she needed help and was shocked at herself for realizing that she might even accept it.

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