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I think of her and yet I know she has left me and I can't say I didn't deserve it. I wasn't good enough for her. I never was. She was a ravaged soul, a warrior and one that was never going to be satisfied with settling for a killer like me. I didn't give her the attention she deserved. Once my coul reached out to Natalya, it was never the same between us and no matter how I tried, we both knew it was futile in the end. I tried to be there for her as she was always there for me. Just as I wished for Natalya, I wished that she would find someone to be there for her like I couldn't, someone to make her feel complete. Maybe she went out and found an imprint, someone who compliments her wild soul. Maybe she found someone who doesn't need another half to their soul, who's happy with just being the one for her. She deserves all the happiness in the world and more, doesn't mean I still don't wish I could have been the one to give that to her. The night finds me aching for companionship and yet unable to think of anyone who I'd like to share this night with me. It's a magical night, reminescent of the ones we danced under in the moonlight in the seasons that produced children for us. Stella was produced under such a moon, though there were other contributions..ones I don't like to think about without snarling in my frustration. I may never know why she went to Abraxus that winter. Maybe he gave something to her that I was lacking. Maybe he was better for her. Maybe he was the one she should have been with and yet I took it as a sign when she came back to me, when she chose to raise her children with me. Doesn't that mean something? Doesn't that mean that what we had was stronger than anything they could have had or am I just kidding myself? Not that it matters now. None of it does. She's gone and I'm still here, grieving over her loss like a long lost puppy dog. Now I pine over the potential loss of my imprint and where will I be then? Without Natalya to stem the waves of insanity, what will I be? Who will I be? I lose myself sometimes and no one may be there to pick up the pieces next time. What if I can't return to myself? What if I become lost forever? The thought alone makes me shiver. And yet my skin shivers for a new reason now. As if my soul is with me again, I can feel the presence of another before she even opens her lips. I turn my head in her direction, ears pricking toward her attentively as my tail sways low behind me, curiosity obvious in my golden gaze. What brings Alias out here of all places on a night like this? It's as if her soul screams for release on such a night just as my own. I can smell the fresh kill at her paws but my gaze stays locked on her face, so familiar and yet so strange to me. Why must she share the same gaze of my ex lover? Why must she look at me almost as Kiska did? It breaks my heart all over again. She circles me and I stiffen in anticipation, not sure of what she plans to do but somehow guessing it won't be boring. She speaks to me and her voice alone makes my hackles bristle with an eagerness I haven't felt in years. It's like she's teasing me, challenging me and my body is all too ready to give in. I tilt my head somewhat, watching her with glowing eyes. "Aren't all our hearts burdened at one point or another? Mine sometimes cries out louder than others but its only saying what all the hearts of the weak say at one time or another, whether in a whisper or in a howl." |