There are moments in life, perhaps, when the world is merely given to stand still. When each and every sound and movement ceases to hold meaning and the very breath of your body is caught within your lungs and held tight like a vice- as if it may never leave again and you hardly wish to take another. I had never felt my throat so tight, nor my form so still as the very warmth within it seemed to drain at the faltering beat of my heart that seems to stumble and trip as the words of Achilles, my son, where whispered into the thickness of my fur so white. I do not know if I gasped nor cired out, I believe I did neither and yet I remember not in that moment in which the world seemed to hold still and fall silent and my heart constricted near painfully within my chest. I felt my lips part- though no words came, I felt my eyes water and the tears that ran from them so silently, so freely, to stain my delicate features as they had once done, so long ago- for my Mother. I remember when Mother died, I remember how Heyel had sat for so long and stared into the distance. He had saved so many that night and yet perhaps had lost the one he cared for the most along with his infant sons, my brothers. So much death…so much and I had been left, barely two years old and with no Mother, so many siblings I had had, so many family were lost and yet somehow, out of the ashes of that day Heyel had still stood, had gathered us, all of us and led us on once more. I had ruled in his stead when the time had come, for ever since I was a child most small I had desired to stand within his shadow- I could not eclipse it, for whoever truly could? I merely desired he be proud of me to be even half of what he had been and perhaps I have failed in that- for surely I never was near so close to he.

He had been Mother and Father to me all at once. He had licked my tears when I was small, stood beside me when I grew, sat with my atop the throne of Trenus, forever his, and showed me all that may one day be mine within this world and I laughed and teased at his tail and rolled within that red dust while he watched over and I relished in his company and his gaze upon me. So many is remembering a King most vicious perhaps- for he protected all that was his own and tore down those who stood against him and perhaps I had never held that strength- yet I remembered only the one whom carried me when I feel, whom leaned against me when I learned to walk whom sung the song of rockabye when I was fearful in the night and chased away every nightmare of my childish mind. He held me still, when I ruled, forever within my shadow to hold me when I could not, to guide me when I grew lost or to bring a smile to my lips with words that forever found humour in the darkest of places. He was my Father, before all else….and I have never been without him. He watched over the birth of all my children, guarded Diveen as he had Trenus, had forever existed at my side and I belive in that moment, that the words of his death so reached my ears…..my world was simply given to shatter into pieces to small to find or hold together no matter how desperately I tried. Queens do not cry- he told me once. Queens do not allow others to see weakness or emotion within them for it shows a lack of confidence and assurance and for so long I have held it within, for so long I have clutched together at the pieces of feelings I cannot allow myself to feel and perhaps I had held them together because of my Kane and because of Heyel….Heyel…..who was not there to catch me this time as he had been for ever day of my life. I simply could not hold it within myself any longer- could not stop the tears that ran from my gaze so hot and caught within my fur as they fell and somehow…somehow a rush of air found its way into my lungs.

The sound that came from my lips in this moment, the howl that erupted to the sky, held within it every fear and sadness and worry and grief I am surely ever to have felt as if all that had forever been held within myself simply could hold no longer, pouring into the sky in this moment for any and all to here before I felt my limbs demanded to rest, my form giving way softly to the earth beneath me as my head rested upon them and each and every memory held so dear streamed so softly from my gaze and sobs shook my form.

In that moment there was nothing except a pain I was not sure would ever cease to hurt. What do you do when the one whom has forever been beside you…..is not more then a memory and a whisper upon the breeze?