Goodmorning? That was what she had to say to me? Goodmorning? After months of separation from one another, after we parted ways without a single word... or at least after I left her in the middle of the night without a word of goodbye, all she has to say to me is goodmorning? My poisonous words flittered down from my maw, where I stand hovering over her form that is lackadaisically at least, and as I should have expected she is not the lest bit upset or bothered by them. Per her usual, she plays coy and naive, when I know her to be anything but - this is not an innocent varg, but a manipulative creature who stands only for her own happiness with no thought to the needs of others. Although can I say I am much different? How many lovers did I take after Kenshin left me so that I would not grow any emotion or attachment to any of them? How many beds did I let myself fall into just so that the cold fingers of loneliness would not grasp my brittle heart and crack it, shatter it into a thousand tiny pieces? Though I am... well not angry for that would imply some level of emotion... though I am cold with her, as uncaring as a gargoyle set upon its perch, is it not her who should be cold with me? We were intimate and at least for a time monogamous. Of that I am sure, for in my obsession of her I spent every waking second, and never strayed from her side.
Yet I am the one who is cold now. Did my absence wound her? Would it wound her more then to know of my other dirty little secrets? Of my... rendezvous with her father? Speaking of Kershov, I must make a mental note to visit him now that he is returned. Let me know... something. There is something there stuck in the farthest corner of my mind, a secret that even I cannot grasp. I know it involves Kershov, but my other self has apparently hidden that from me to. But to digress I am cold... but who the fuck am I kidding. If I were truly devoid of emotion there would be no reason to be cold. There would be no reason to want to injure Kirastasia. But I do - I want to stick tiny holes in her heart and force her far away from me. Though many had a part in the reason I cast away my feelings, Kenshin - a lover - was the main component. And now it would seem that Kirastasia - yet another lover - would be the one to tear it down. I am not ready for the flood to overtake me and drown me. The episode I had at the pack meeting nearly choked all sort of breath and reason from my mind, the pain compiled on top of memories and fears into something so gargantuan so as to smother me with its enormosity.
If I truly had no emotions I would fuck her here and now - after all she had crawled into my den, she could want nothing else. She was delectable and did things to me that Kenshin never could. He who took my virginity, my innocence, was always too gentle, as if I might break. But then again, I have broken, haven't I? Only it was my mind, and not my body to do so. My suns seem to have strayed from Kirastasia, and I send them back to land upon her and nearly gasp as she is now right in front of me, reaching for me. I have all too many options? Do I remain still and cold, caring not at all for her touch and stand the pain that it brings? Do I pull away? Ah but that is a double edged sword, for I would no longer be able to feign disinterest were there a reason I did not want her touch. I could strike her, physically harm her - but that is not really an option, now is it? I have always been mostly peaceful in my actions, preferring logic and smarts to deal with most situations. I can fight - thanks to my brother who taught me - but it a skill I mostly go without.
And then it hits me - the correct answer. I will hurt her, not with my teeth or my claws or anything else that would bruise her delicate and delicious flesh, nothing that would mar her beauty. instead it will be something far worse. Kirastasia has never seemed to have actual emotions, her heart seemed light and carefree before and part of me hopes it is the same now so that I will not wound her too deeply. I hope that she cannot truly love, that her feelings toward me are one of obsession, where she thinks of me only as one of her plaything with Kira as a selfish pup who does not know the meaning of sharing. But part of me knows that she cares for me at least in some light... and it is that part that has come up with the words that will slip from my maw.
Thusly do I not draw back from her touch. I let her reach to me until our hairs cross and merge. Only then do my lips move again, uttering simple words that string together into a fatal blow. "Are you so sure you wish to touch something sullied and thoroughly ravaged by another of your own blood, Kirastasia?" I keep my stare icy and still, glaring into her pools, but I know part of me regrets the words even immediately after I spoke them. She would have found out eventually, but for me to have used it as a weapon against her was morally wrong. When did I stoop this low? My original goal was to find happiness and contentment for myself in this life, to be honest and morally uncorrupt in all things. Yet here I am - unhappy and cruel, and lying about everything within my heart so as to spare myself from pain that will come eventually.
||Kahlan|| ||Broken Heart|| ||Cracked Soul of Munashii Gekko|| ||Zeta|| ||69cm.:.23kg||Adult|| |