i don’t wanna to take it out on you , take it out on you; but i do
Tigerlily flinches at Björn’s gentle touch, a prickle of disbelief needling at her skin, and she has to fight all her instincts that demand her to withdraw. Self-preservation still fuels her, those dark, strangling tendrils of fear still cling to her, threatening to suffocate. But in this moment, her heart speaks louder than all else, and Tigerlily stands resolute, refusing to run,
choosing to stay. And the sincerity in his words, the weight of them… Tigerlily groans inwardly, so deeply moved by the stallion beside her, and by the promise of everything he offers. A gentle shake is given in response, though this time, she does not deny him.
“It cannot be undone,” she murmurs in a hushed tone, and turns her face to him finally. Tígrisdýr, he had called her Tígrisdýr again.
“But it means so much to me that you want to try, even though you owe me nothing.” Regret burned hot beneath the skin of her face and the swell of her barrel. There were things, both before she’d met the grullo Bear King and after, that she wishes she could take back. But all the desire in the world could change what was.
Nor could anything prevent what was meant to be – not even the jagged edges of two damaged souls tossed together in a storm.
Tigerlily swallows, her throat thick with emotion, and shakes her head ever more earnestly.
“It is not your fault Björn. And you weren’t the one who hurt me.” She almost says more, but the words lie like stones upon her tongue, and Björn fills the silence instead. Tigerlily’s blue eyes linger upon his face as he talks, listening patiently and intently, though it becomes increasingly difficult as the truth comes pouring out of him, and she cannot help but shrink away, withering in despair.
“You go to war to fight alongside him?” The words are a whisper, so quiet and small. Her eyes swim with fresh tears, and she turns her face away as they fall. Silence falls over them as the buckskin mare takes some time to process his words. They twist in her heart, causing her agony that she cannot form into words. It is only at Björn’s gentle kiss upon her shoulder, and his reassuring words, that she stirs. For the first time since she had fled from the meeting of stallions Tigerlily reaches out to touch Björn of her own accord, brushing aside his thick mane so that her own lips find the dark skin of the stallion’s neck.
“I believe you,” Tigerlily says softly, wide and wounded eyes meeting his ice-blue gaze.
“But I need you to believe me when I say that you are not to blame. This war would have sparked into life with or without you. There has always been a monster in him, and you are not responsible for the bloodshed he craves.” The name Björn spoke… It echoed in her mind, made the pit of her stomach churn in fear. She was not brave enough to say it out loud, not yet. Just thinking about him makes her skin crawl, and again she shifts her weight, leaning away from her beloved stallion. But her heart is a compass, and the scarred, rugged stallion from lands afar is her True North. Tigerlily would always be drawn to the Icelandic stallion.
The
Norns have shown her this, and Tigerlily cannot deny them.
For a second time she reaches for him, and now her caresses are long and lingering. He begs for her forgiveness, and the buckskin mare cannot deny him. Something shifts within her, and though she’s still in pain, she acquiesces with gentle grace.
“Björn,” she speaks his name.
“I forgive you for everything.” The words are heavy, her breath hot upon his skin. And then words she’d been waiting to hear her whole life from the mouth of one who was never meant for her. The thudding of her heart, frantic and swelling in her chest, drowned out all other sound, except for the rasping of her shallow, uneven breathing. Was this real? Could it be true?
“Björn, I…” Tigerlily struggled to steady herself, feeling weak and leaning against the length of Björn’s side as her knees threatened to buckle beneath her. She felt no pain, nothing except the flush of warmth that spread through her body, making her lightheaded. It had seemed an impossible thing for her, to ever feel this way given how many times her trust had been broken. And yet.
“Love you too.” The words came out in a rush, and Tigerlily jerked her head up, and inhaled sharply. Wild blue eyes sought to meet his gaze. A jolt of electric emotion ripples down her spines and Tigerlily becomes hyper aware of every sensation – wherever their bodies touch, a fire burns upon the mare’s skin.
“I love you Björn. And I know, I know we haven’t known each other that long, but I mean it.” And she should be happy, she
is happy, but a sorrow casts its deep shadow over her, over their perfect moment.
Tears stream down her face as she pulls away.
“But I cannot stay.” Her voice breaks. Everything breaks. Tigerlily retreats a few steps further, backing up, but there she stays.
“I’m so sorry, Björn, I wish I could stay here with you, but I can’t.” The sobs that take hold of her, and finally, after all these years, the dark truth she buried deep within her is shaken loose.
“I found myself alone on the shores of the Inlet, years ago. War--,” she choked on the name, shaking her head weakly, gasping softly for air, for hope,
for relief, after all this time. “He scared me, Björn. And I ran. It was my fault, my fault,” she keened, desperately trying to keep her head above the waters of her grief and pain.
“I was only two years old, and I was so scared, and he chased me, pulled himself on top of me…” The trembling that overcame her was intense as she relived the worst day of her life.
But as much as it crippled her to say these words to the one whom she’d moments earlier declared her love, she had to rip every shred of the blackness within her else she’d never be free,
never be able to heal. “He violated me.” Sobs cushioned her words, but this did little to soften the despicable and tragic truth. It took Tigerlily a few moments to gather herself together, but already she felt the weight of her despair lessening, no longer so heavy upon her shoulders.
“And he hasn’t changed. Just this past season, a young, blind mare was tormented by him just like I was, and maybe others beside her.” Tears no longer welled in her eyes, but Tigerlily’s face remained contorted with the agony of revealing and reliving the tragedy of her past.
“All he knows how to do is hurt, and I… I can’t stay if you choose to walk this path with him.” Her legs no longer shake so intensely, and even the tremors in the rest of her begin to abate. Tigerlily may have been broken, but just as she had in the past, she was piecing herself back together.
“He will turn on you eventually Björn, and I don’t think I could bear that. Please,” she begged of him, defeat and desperation in her voice.
“Please understand. I can’t, I can’t… I love you but I can’t stay, if there’s even a chance that he’ll come back here.”
T I G E R L I L Y
it feels like i’m breaking down, watching my words cut you in two