Ants seemed to crawl beneath her skin, over her bones, into her very marrow. She felt shaken on the inside with the buzzing anger inside of her. Mostly aimed at herself, though a bit at Elohim for making her look internally. Making her doubt or question her beliefs and herself. Natiya knew she didn’t know herself. She had very few wants if only because she had never fancied having desires. When Blackthorne abandoned her, she had considered chasing after his trail; after all, it wouldn’t have been that difficult. It was not as if her brother was the sneaky type. He did not hide his sins but showcased them. She could have fallen the signs of chaos, tears, and blood and no doubt she would have tracked him down.

But she chose not to.

She had felt hurt in those first few days and no small amount of confusion. Where to go, what to do, indecision. She had known that if she didn’t wait for Blackthorne or follow him that he would turn his ire on her. Natiya had always followed her brother, even in moments of doubt, and he had never turned his fang or fury upon her because all it took was a cross word to settle her back down.

Now she feared his fangs as much as any of them did. She remembered the scars on Zharko’s face and Zephyr’s body. The way Blackthorne spit and snarled like some hellcat and laughed when he felt his pain and theirs. She had been his shadow yet she had never truly delved into such darkness. She was not tolerant of pain like the others and she knew she was weaker than them. As she stomps away with Elohim padding up to her side and keeping pace, she thinks of just how weak she is. How much time she wasted not training but living. Only living, except the kind of living that a zombie did, without much importance or direction.

My creed is simply to do whatever it is I want, he states, and one ear flicks to the side to listen. It sounded ominous. It sounded like something Blackthorne would say. He never let anything hold him back and he took what he wanted, did what he wanted, even if it was at the expense of another (which it often was). Pale eyes slide to her right slightly, noting his shrug, her face still pinched in anger. Furious at him, at herself, at everything. She caught his eye as he hints at her about being whoever he wanted to be and her eyes immediately snapped away from him, lip twitching in a low growl.

”Good for you,” she suddenly quips, haughty. They both knew it was a façade. She had already failed in her attempts to shutter herself so she might as well let some of her anger leak. His comment on strays makes her ears snap back again, head turning towards him in warning. His grin is small but handsome and she blinks hard for a moment before huffing a deep breath and turning her head away. ”I’m not a mystery. I just am.” Am what? Let him figure it out, she thinks, because hell if she knew. At least he might think her something interesting, like she was hiding something, when really, she was hiding nothing except her being from her brother.

But Elohim can’t stop. His tongue is too honest, too ready to throw those dagger-like words that make her stop and listen. Natiya’s eyes slide across his face and neck, noting a scar, something like surprise and wonder warring on her face. Was he giving her permission to hurt him? Is that the kind of creed he lived by? Abruptly she takes a step forward, part of her wanting to see what he would do if she acted like she would do what he said, but her lips don’t twitch in a snarl and she halts just as quickly. ”Why would you let other’s hurt you when they are mad?” She is genuinely curious, partly horrified by it and fascinated all the same.

Elohim can’t stop bringing up the flaws in her plans and she dips her head down slightly, shaking it hard, as if he were a flea she could knock out of her head. ”Just stop, stop it!” With a huff she jerks her head back up, glaring at him again before sitting down once more. In some small part of her, she was glad he kept poking holes in her plan. She was… scared. Scared to go back out there, scared to stay, scared. ”I don’t know where I’m going, okay!? I…. I don’t know why I left the island. I should have just stayed there.” She picks up a dainty paw and smacks it on the ground, a visible sign of her frustration. Elohim is pushing her so close to breaking – she was no mystery, just a foolish girl. ”I’m tired of fish.”

The last bit falls from her lips without thinking because there was no real reason for her to have left the island but that stuck out in her head.