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find my nest of salt Posted on March 6, 2024 at 03:44:40 AM by Daire
everything is my fault. . . I'll take the blame
They stood there in the dark before dawn, holding onto each other. Daire did not move away when Zevulun pulled her closer. Despite the depth of her self-loathing and knowing how much this would hurt Riesling, she was too weak a mare to pull away from Zevulun's embrace and run for the hills, too desperate for love to leave for the sake of her daughter. Failing her as she always had. Daire closed her eyes at the thought and wondered in the darkness of how things might have been if she had gone back and reclaimed her daughter. Daire knew that the weight of her regret and shame would never truly leave her, even if she did find happiness here.
Sometime later, the feeling of Zevulun's ribs expanding and contracting in a sigh roused Daire from her thoughts. The span of his cheek brushed tenderly against her own. The black mare gently pressed her head toward his, scarcely daring to breathe when his lips touched her skin once, twice, and again. She tries to let herself bask in the tenderness of this moment between them without reason screaming at her to pull away. “I should go before Vervain wakes.” The mare had an urge to tell him that the girl would love the surprise of him first thing in the morning, but the weariness in his voice tells her not to. So, Daire only nods, offering a similar pained smile to his own.
“I understand if you decide to leave, and I promise to find you a safe home, but… I understand if you still want to stay.” Her brow pinches together a little in what surprise she dares to show, furrowing at the choice laid before her. “You don’t have to tell me now. I think we’ve probably shared enough for the night.” She can't manage a real smile at the stallion's attempt at humor in this moment, only the pained half-smile Daire had had before. The black mare knew this was how Zevulun was normally, cracking minuscule jokes to lighten the mood. (Shouldn't she be glad he was trying to act normal with her?) Oh, how she wanted to truly smile with him.
“Good night, Daire.” The feeling of his absence was immediate on her brindled skin. A chill from the night air rushed to replace the heat of his skin against hers. It made the mare shiver a little. Her brown eyes followed his off to the horizon, returning to his face when he turned to look at her once more. This sight does encourage a little more warmth to her expression. Just how long had they spent the night talking together? Daire takes in the sight of the pale light tracing Zevulun's face, the way it tentatively outlines his pale form. She visibly softens. "Or, good morning, I should say." Too late, the brindled mare knows she will likely never leave the Prairie now.
Long do her eyes watch Zevulun's pale form meld back into the darkness of the still-slumbering territory. Long does she consider turning from him and the life she'd had here with her children and walking back into the wilds and out of the lives of the stallion and her children. Though much older now, Daire thought maybe she could physically survive out there alone. Alone being the keyword. There was no way she could pull Vervain from the roots she had grown here, nor Lir though he was quite grown up enough to make those decisions for himself. Time passed slowly for Daire as she pondered.
Daire thought of the parallels between the past and now. Then: she had been forced out, her children taken, and she had chosen to leave them instead of uprooting them from what they'd come to know. Now? Now she had a choice -- and a hard one at that. Stay and accept that it won't last. Stay and finally receive the love she had been searching for all her life. Stay and damn them both. Or leave. Leave and wander the world alone until she withered and finally gave up. Closing her eyes to the rising sun visible now over the tops of the trees, Daire murmured yet another apology that Riesling wouldn't ever hear or accept. "I'm sorry I couldn't ever be stronger for you, sweetheart. I'm sorry I couldn't ever be the mother you deserved. If I could take it all back, I would. I wish I could, but I can't."
Hot tears spill down the length of her cheeks chilled by the night air. Daire looks despairingly up at the fading darkness. "You're a better mare than I ever was. I.." Her eyes flickered to where Zevulun had faded from her sight. "I don't have the strength to walk away this time. I know you'll hate me for it, perhaps more than you already do, but. . . I don't think I can bear this anymore." She spoke of the longing she had to be accepted and cared for, truly embraced, and loved in a way that the black mare had never thought could be real. "It's supposed to be you here, and I'll never forgive myself for that."
Her daughter would likely never know or accept the depth to which Daire regretted her actions. Then and now. Past and present. If things had gone differently, perhaps they wouldn't be estranged. If things had gone differently. . . Daire's head turned toward the rousing sleek black maiden resting in the prairie grass. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. After wiping away the spent tears on the insides of her forelegs, the brindle tried to lip at the grass halfheartedly. She waited until Vervain finally rose and stretched to lift her head once more. With a soft and perhaps restrained smile to the young mare, Daire spoke. An excited smile no doubt would blossom over the younger girl's face at her words. "Why don't we see what the herd is doing today, lovely?"