he isn't entirely sure of the source of his pain, at this point, only that it's all-encompassing and it hurts. true grief isn't only emotional, he realizes---it's physical as well. the feeling of buildup in his throat, as though there is something there blocking his ability to speak, a lump that he can't swallow, and a wave of nausea that crashes into him and creates a violent, turbulent storm in his gut. Ray's heart throbs with guilt and his chest feels like it's going to fracture, but he refuses to show it. it's been a long while since he's shown anyone any emotion---at least, real emotion. a stoic coolness, an almost business expression takes over his face and he wishes it weren't this way; this isn't him. it kills him that he's faking who he is, especially in front of a wolf who could very well be his brother, but he can't help it.
the way Tamlin acts with him reminds him of the way he'd acted with the ghost queen weeks and months and almost a year ago. he'd been distant, and cold, and ruthless in his words, in fear of letting her in again and letting himself be vulnerable. his brother, at least, is being polite. the frigidness of his countenance is discouraging, but Ray steels himself and stands as tall as he always has, the way he's always had to, and lets the smallest, most respectful smile slide onto his face. he's not really sure how to answer or if he's even able to explain himself.
how is Raylen supposed to admit that his way of dealing with that which hurts him is by running from it? it's a foolish concept, that if he just ignores it, distances himself from it, that the problem will go too, but his grasp on it is tight despite that. it is an impulsive action by this point, leaving. Ray has always dealt with his emotions in private, in secret, and slowly he realizes that he can't even let his own---former---pack into his heart. he can't accept whatever consolations they might have. the golden boy knows that Rio has a similar mindset, and he knows that of the three of them, Tamlin is the strongest. he'd stayed because of his responsibilities. Ray had left even with them.
"tamlin," he greets similarly. he has to hold the apologies crowding forth on his tongue. no amount of those could ever make up for his mistakes. neutrality is probably the best at this point. "it has indeed. how are you?"
they sound like strangers.
[[powerthreadddd]]
and i will give you every part of me.