Hell Hath No Fury

When I went out to do some shopping, just the other week,
I man I used to know came up, and pecked me on the cheek.
It was my ex-fiancé, Bill, who dumped me years before!
He broke my poor old heart in two, and smashed it on the floor.
I’ve married someone else since then, a man who’s good and kind,
Yet memories of that heartache still linger in my mind.

“Hello!” Bill said, “Remember me? It’s been the longest time!
You haven’t changed a bit, you know, you really look sublime!”
“Hello,” I said, “I almost didn’t recognise you there,
Perhaps because you’ve put on weight, and lost a lot of hair.”
We chatted for a minute, then I said I had to go.
“Please let me drive you home,” Bill said, “It’s chilly out, you know.
And maybe we could take a detour, just for old time’s sake,
And park up in our favourite place, which overlooks the lake.”

I pondered for a little while, and then I said, “OK,
It would be nice to revisit the lakeside, on the way.”
We walked across the parking lot, to where he’d left his car,
It looked like an expensive one, a flashy Jaguar.
We drove up to the lakeside, and Bill parked in our old place,
I recognised desire written all across his face.
Bill said, “Let’s take a stroll out to that clearing, by the trees,
I’ll bring along a blanket...” “OK,” I smiled, “Yes please!”
Bill jumped out of the car, and my hands began to shake,
As stealthily I reached across, and disengaged the brake.

I got out of the Jag, and went to follow my ex-love,
And as I passed behind the car, I gave it quite a shove.
I joined my ex, who looked at me, his eyes were filled with hope.
He never even noticed as his car rolled down the slope.
And as Bill’s hands caressed my face all over, like a rash,
From somewhere close behind us both, we heard a massive SPLASH!
Bill turned around to look, then gasped, and did a double take,
When he saw his beloved car was floating in the lake!

“My car!” he yelled, “I’m sure I put the brake on like I oughta,
So how come it went down the slope, and landed in the water?”
Bill ran down to the water’s edge, whimpering like a fool,
And kicking both his trainers off, he jumped into the pool.
Bill grabbed hold of the car’s bumper, and tried to drag it out,
“Don’t just stand there, come and help me quick!” I heard him shout.

“Oh, what a shame!” I sweetly said, “But please don’t make a fuss,
Don’t worry how you’ll drive me home - I’ll just hop on a bus!”
And with a wave, I walked away, and left Bill standing there,
Shivering in dirty water, wet leaves in his hair.
And as I left I shouted out, “Consider yourself warned,
Never underestimate a woman who’s been scorned!”

From the ebook ‘Flatulent Freddy’s Flying Machine & Other Funny Poems for Grown-Ups’. Available on Amazon, Apple ibooks, Nook, Kobo etc. for only $1.54/£0.99 or less.

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