i was broke i was down i was such a mess
WHEN I WOKE TO THE SOUND OF MY BEATING CHEST
Even now, Tolinka was still running from the truth. Sinopa hadn’t come looking for her – no doubt kept away by the winter, among other things. And Asche – he was little more than a memory now, something beautiful and broken and held close in the deepest darkness of night. The smoky black mare couldn’t remember his voice, and she had long stopped trying to call it to mind. Because all she heard when she tried to remember was the voice of another, low and rough and almost primal. Words of wisdom. ‘Only ghosts live within.’ Another truth that had sent Tolinka running.
But she couldn’t go far – not in her present state. And even if she was physically able to swim, how could she leave? This place, it was the only home she wanted. So, deeper she went, deeper into the mountains, finally finding a sheltered cavern that was still close enough to the small herd (and the two stallions) to deter any predators. Tolinka may be weak, but that dark-skinned stranger, with his sad eyes, honest words and hoarse voice, he had touched something in her, had shown her that, despite everything, she wanted to live. And she would fight with all she had if her life was threatened.
If there were any monsters out there, they sensed this and didn’t dare come near the lone mare’s cave. No-one did, and in the solitude and silence, slowly she pieced herself back together. And not long later, she found that the cracks in her heart had started to fill in, because she was no longer alone.
------
The mare stirred from a deep and peaceful sleep, to find her little cavern empty. She was quick to trot to the entrance, her dark eyes scanning the rocky slope immediately below. In the murky-predawn light, she could make out little, and so she let out a quiet call, hoping that if her boy was nearby he’d hear her and return to her side. There came no reply, and Tolinka saw no movement, no flicker of pale, moon-light skin. Some invisible creature stole the breath from her lung and turned her skin cold, whispered in her ear ‘careful you don’t lose another one, Toli. Then everyone will know that you’re unfit to be a mother. What use are you, if you can’t even protect that which you call your own?’
Tolinka stood frozen for a number of moments before weakly shaking her head, trying to rid herself of her demons. As the sky continued to lighten with the approach of dawn, she finally left her cave without hesitation, without looking back, and set off to find the one she feared she’d lose.
Further down the mountain slope, shivering beside a small stream and among a cluster of trees, a young colt, almost identical in appearance to his mother, gaze about with blue eyes that were filled with equal parts curiosity and wariness. He was not stupid, and stood alert, ears twisting to catch even the smallest of sounds. There was no scent of danger on the wind though, and so he took a few more steps. The cave may be enough for his mother, but it wasn’t for him, and he had discerned that she was hiding. From what, he had yet to figure out, but, it didn’t sit well with him. He loved her fiercely, and wanted more for her than what she wanted for herself. If she wasn’t going to venture out to look for happiness, he’d do it for her.
“Shiriki!”
The boy turned to look back over his shoulder, the distant call of his mother drawing him back. But his hesitation didn’t last long. He wanted to help her, and… He wanted to see more of the world than she was ready to show him. With small but sure steps, he continued onwards, following the scents left by strangers, knowing that his search would bring him answers of some kind. “I’ll be okay mama. Come and find me, take me to the sea, show me how I can make you happy.” With a toss of his head Shiriki picked up his pace, determined that his mother wouldn’t find him before he’d found someone else.
Little did he know that his trail had already been discovered, but not by his mother. Downwind of him, a creature began to follow the colt, driven by hunger, for winter was always hard, even if the climate was still mild compared to Tinuvel.
t o l i n k a & s h i r i k i
bring your heartbeat next to me
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