Was I left behind?
Tell me, tell me I survived.
While I am grateful for Petal's kinship and genuine sympathy in this moment, I am relieved that she chooses not to belabor my suffering. The small mare changes the subject quite quickly, and my whiskered nostrils flare as I take in a deep, reassuring breath. My thoughts flicker to my sons, the strong Jabari who has been impressively unwavering despite this low period in our lives. And then the sweet Verdi, a quiet boy, but one who was growing stronger every day despite the hardship of his cruel beginnings. My red tail flicks quickly over my haunches and a front, lone hoof rises and falls in a short stomp as I shift my weight back and forth. I'm feeling less vulnerable and more in control of my emotions as the conversation shifts. I bob my head once in understanding and smile weakly, if only for a moment, in gratitude to Petal.
"Jabari is my oldest," I begin, nickering softly to Petal as I take a few steps forward. Vita Nova is nowhere to be seen in the distance, but given the early hour and with dawn approaching, it made sense for us to move closer to the herd. The yellow reeds bend and quiver in the wake of our moving legs, their bulb-like blooms catching at the sleek summertime chestnut hairs that made up my coat. "Bri must have been pregnant with him when you were here last." I say casually as we stroll, my words more a stream of consciousness rather than a premeditated explanation. "He is kind and quiet, like his mother. But he's grown to play an important role in protecting the herd and the land." I don't know what Petal is interested in hearing, and I know I'm rambling now. But it feels better to talk about something that I'm proud of, my children, than the grief and the loss that seemingly finds its way into everything.
"Verdi is his younger brother," I say, my youngest's name still feeling so foreign on my tongue. With so few inhabitants in the herd these days, there were few reasons to ever say his name out loud. "Jabari named him." I add, my ears pricking forward and at attention as I hear the gentle hum of the fresh water stream growing louder in the distance. The rest of the herd isn't far off from here. Jabari had named his sister too, Everglow. She was never to be seen again after Bri's death, along with an abandoned foal Bri had taken to raising after its mother died here in the Prairie. I don't know what happened to them. I swallow hard as I try to expel those thoughts from my mind.
"Have you ever considered having a foal?" I ask her, somewhat unannounced, but my eyes settle on her as I try to gauge her interest. There was no judgement from me either way. But I knew Petal was different from most of the mares I had met, and of those whom had chosen to settle here in the Prairie. There was a restlessness in her, perhaps for a journey she had not yet taken or was not aware she needed quite yet. Beyond her general anxiety of feeling stuck in a herd or a home for too long, I realized I knew very little else about her.
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