surrender to nothing Posted on May 19, 2020 at 07:12:04 PM by Hawke
Hawke
xaisy/ six / grullo tobiano / mixed breed / 15.3hh
If anyone could empathize with how difficult change was to achieve, it would be the grullo paint. Time and again shi had attempted to end the cycle of hir self-isolation, only to fall back into old habits again. Hawke had followed Bacardi to the Peak in the hopes that shi might make at least one friend, but the stallion had since disappeared. At times it felt as if shi was doomed to repeat the very heartache that Cain now spoke of - getting close to another, giving a piece of hir heart to them, only to have it torn away. And yet Hawke had come to realize that the fissures that the moments shi had stolen with each of them - with Kasabian and Mouse, with Bacardi and now Cain - were worth the inevitable pain that followed their parting. Were it not for the companionship that they had shared, hir life would have no meaning at all.
Hawke ached to tell Cain that he wasn’t a monster - that those who left him were the ones who should feel his pain. After all, shi knew what it was to be left behind; no sooner had the grullo been of weaning age than hir dam had simply disappeared. But Hawke also knew what it was to blame hirself despite being told that shi was free of that burden. Only recently had shi begun to understand the cruelty required of a creature who tossed aside another’s fragile heart - and then trod upon it as they turned away. Because when you loved someone, you became blind to their faults and their crimes. And in a way, it was easier to bear the burden of guilt than it was to bear the implacable truth - that they did not truly care. Perhaps, when the stallion’s heart was ready, he would come to understand.
But he wasn’t ready now. It was evident in the way he struggled to accept the androgynous creature’s words, although his vow to try eased some of the tightness in Hawke’s chest. Shi knew well enough that the path was not easy - having attempted that arduous climb hirself only to wind up back where shi had begun. But if Cain was willing to try, then the grullo paint could do no less. Turning hir gold-colored eye back on the stallion, Hawke shifted hir weight from one set of limbs to the other, not entirely comfortable with the turn their conversation was taking. It was easier to focus on others' problems, and harder to face hir own.
“Return to the Peak?” The creature shook hir head, expelling the remnants of air in hir lungs with a soft snort. “Perhaps I will visit again one day - it was a beautiful place - but I don’t feel as if I could ever truly belong there. That said, there are worse fates than to spend one’s days here on the Crossing.” If shi was not here, after all, shi would not have met the black-spotted stallion. As poor as hir companionship might be, it pained Hawke to consider that his time here might have otherwise been spent in solitude with his grief. No one should have to cope with such sorrow alone.
But Hawke could feel the weight of Cain’s impending departure grow heavier with each moment that passed. The Vanner would return to his home and the remnants of his family, and hopefully find the peace that he deserved. And the grullo… well, shi would remember him as shi remembered everyone who had touched hir life in some way. But would he remember hir?
“Cain,” Hawke began haltingly, hir soft voice dropping an octave as it wavered with emotion; for some reason the promise of this goodbye hurt hir more than any other. Reaching out to touch hir dark muzzle to the curve of his cheek, shi hoped to leave a small piece of hirself with Cain in the words that shi spoke. “I may not know you, but I do care. No one lives without making mistakes, and every creature has their imperfections. That you acknowledge yours makes you more worthy of love than the countless souls who claim perfection.” The grullo pulled away from the stallion then, gaze dropping to the damp earth beneath his hooves. Seeking to silently release him from whatever obligations he might feel, so that he could return to the place where he truly belonged. “You should go back to them - to your family - and share the contents of your heart. You might mean the world to them, only they don’t know how to express it - remember that we are all broken in our own way.”