you shouldn’t walk where the hemlock grows

Faolain was pleased, though not very surprised, that Rivaini was the first to answer her call. She had to have been close by, because she materialized out of the shadows like Faolain herself often did, moving gracefully toward the ‘Teke with an odd expression. Faolain chose to set aside the feeling of something being off for the time being, opting instead to simply welcome Rivaini’s presence with a warm nicker and a returned brush of her lips against her companion’s. Deep in her mind, buried beneath such stubborn denial (I’ll deal with it when the time comes, she thought, and not a moment sooner) arose the dreaded image of Rougaru as he threw punishing blows against Faolain’s inky hide. He would punish her again, soon, in a way far worse than combat. How could he think this would strengthen their relationship, if you could even call it that? She would resent him for his terms, of that she was certain, but it did not change the fact that she had accepted them. This was not something she could trade off onto someone else, even if bargaining was something she usually tried. Maybe things will change when the child is born, and I am intoxicated with hormones, she thought, and she both hoped for such a possibility and reeled from it. No, she did not want to be influenced by the chemicals from her pregnancy, but it was the only way she could avoid undoubtedly resenting the child as well as Rougaru.

At least she had time.

Again, Faolain shoved the thoughts down. She would NOT risk losing herself a second time to panic, not while she had so much time between now and her fate at Paradise’s border. It was difficult to forget about her future, but right now, with Rivaini pressed close to her, it wasn’t so bad. ”I missed you, too.” The sweet scent of her was comforting. Faolain pressed her nose into the silver mare’s chest and inhaled, taking in the fragrance of passion flowers and mountain air, and…

As she caught the scent of Rougaru and Paradise, Rivaini pulled away to look at her. Faolain’s face was clouded with confusion, already weakened by the forceful capture of Siobhan and her own aching defeat, but hope battled in her heart as well. Given life by Rivaini’s words, it swept away most of Faolain’s fearful thoughts, and she almost did not ask any further than a gentle ”really?”

But there was still that feeling of something being off, and Faolain’s slight haze of relief and hope were swept away by worry and suspicion. ”Did you fight him? Did he hurt you?” she asked, fine brow furrowing over eyes that glistened with a turmoil of emotions. She breathed again, and the scents from before - Rougaru’s scent overpowering the flowers - made her almost nauseous. Not physically so, as there was likely nothing Rivaini could do or get into that would repulse the black ‘Teke, but that offness was nagging at her stomach in a nervous way, fed by the distinct scent of Paradise’s king. ”What did he do?” she asked, when all other words seemed to fail her. It couldn’t possibly be worse than the original arrangement… could it?

But of course it always could. Things could always be worse. The possibility that Rivaini had taken Faolain’s place slowly dawned on her, and she was met with a rush of confusing emotions on top of the hurricane she was already weathering. More anger at Rougaru, outrage that he had gone behind her back and changed the terms of their agreement, jealousy that he had shared something with the other Guardian that Faolain was unable to offer. She felt the stab of betrayal for her copper friend as well, but she knew that wasn’t fair even as it stung her heart.

Faolain breathed deeply. None of it was fair, but ultimately Rivaini had taken the more difficult end of things to spare Faolain the same fate, and the black mare did not even question the truth of Rivaini’s own repulsion at the deal she had made. The offer she had presented to Rougaru, that he undoubtedly accepted. Faolain knew that her companion had not wanted to take the fall for the challenge, and Rivaini was now stuck with not only the consequences of the agreement, but surely with the stress of having to endure Rougaru’s reward immediately and in secrecy. Faolain forced down the feelings to which she had no right - the jealousy, the anger - and in their place she felt immense guilt.

”I’m so sorry,” she choked, and tears began to spill down her cheeks. She couldn’t remember a time she had cried, even alone, but now she did so with abandon, feeling as though she were drowning in regret. If only she had agreed to take Rougaru immediately after their battle…

But of course, there was no going back. Faolain buried her midnight face in Rivaini’s sunshine mane and cried.

mare | black | 14hh | akhal-teke