she feels a new mantle of shame, despite the immeasurable joy motherhood brings her. though she knows rigel places the blame squarely over his own shoulders, she had been warned many times by her daee about the thief called lust. a thief because it could steal her virtue and devalue her in the eyes of the raajy and the devataon… and now the eyes of rigel’s family as well.

her heart is split two ways, and if it had been up to one side of the organ, she may have requested never to leave the walls of that little canyon, to live a secret all her life and to pray for redemption vehemently until she was sure in her heart that the samsara would not lead her into an even darker place than here, with dishonor brought to her parivaar and eyes that saw nothing. she could steal moments of joy in this life, and easily enough, but she would be punished for it in the next.

the other half of her heart, and part of her mind too, knows that she could not subject rigel and their children to such secrecy and seclusion for the rest of her earthly existence. it was clear in his steady reassurances that when the time came for her introduction, she would be accepted wholeheartedly, treasured as part of a new family they would form around her and that he would find great joy in unburdening himself. she would not rob him of his absolution

after much deliberation and only a mild show of reluctance by her, they are all in agreement and they stand together until rigel breaks in deference. it is the first time she has felt the weight of eyes other than his, her children, and her sweet new companion, naz whom she has grown to love more devotedly than she had any of her daee because she was treated as both charge and friend and the mother of her own child. feeling her now-husband step from her side, the little mare gives a shudder, leaning into the soft touch of the solid mare beside her and her curled ears are rapt at attention. at the explanation she only trembles, head low, feeling as if she should also beg forgiveness, if not for herself for her children at least so that they might not have to be reared in the shadow of the shame of their father. for she knows now, by his manner, that he has sinned greatly and she is part of that sin if not the whole of it. this perhaps was part of her punishment. regret.

despite her grief at the entire situation, she is carefully attentive, to the voice of the Mira whom she has grown to love and respect from afar because of Rigel and Naz, and to the Sheik by whom she is fearfully entranced. his command is absolute and she withers from him, trembling more violently yet as he lays his sentence on Rigel’s waiting form. the sound of bodies moving, of sand shuffling, weakens her further.

by the time the Sheik’s strong voice focuses on her and the twins who peek with wonder from behind her dark tail, she can barely stand. if naz were to shirk away, she had no doubt that her legs would fail her altogether and she would crumple into a miserable heap at his hooves. he speaks of love, for her and her children, and his protection over them all and for that her weary heart is grateful but still she fears him. she is eager to feel the comforting press of rigel’s shoulder against her skin, for maybe then she could breathe again, but for now she only stands reverently, bobbing her head in thanks and acknowledgement of Antare’s words because she can find none of her own. she feels his breath in a soft breath on her white muzzle and lets out a shaky one in return, silent tears breaking from her cloudy eyes.