In the moments that drew out silence between them, Oswin began to suspect Róisín was not going to say a word. Maybe the most she would provide was a curt, short denial and Oswin would have no choice other than to accept it and step away. But… could she? Had she been incorrect in her assumption of what had brought the painted dun mare to stand up high and so precariously close to the ledge? Oswin’s blue eyes skipped over the younger mare's figure, glanced at her profile, and then away. She looked out over the expanse of the jungle territory in front of them, the place she was called queen of, despite never once feeling like she was one since she first stepped hoof here.

Then, Róisín spoke. Oswin still didn’t look at her, despite wanting to search the younger mare’s face and see if she could decipher what emotions might show there. Oswin knew it was easier in tough conversations to not have to deal with the added pressure of a gaze locked so firmly on you. She chose instead to watch an inconsistent, low breeze play atop the green trees, gently waving their leaves in the otherwise still air.

Do you ever feel like you've done all you can in this world? Like... there isn't anything waiting for you tomorrow worth waking up for?

Oswin swallowed, and unable to keep from doing so, she found herself glancing away from the landscape laid out before them and instead to her companion. She knew the feeling too well, but before she could find a way to say so, Róisín snorted, then their eyes met. Nevermind, why would you? You've gotten everything you ever wanted. It hurt more than it likely should have. Oswin was the one who ducked her eyes away this time, somewhat out of shame.

“It looks that way, doesn’t it?” She asked quietly. Shouldn’t it be so? Oswin had the stallion she loved, she had at least one of her children close and another on the way. “The truth is Roi, I didn’t want any of this.” There was only a brief pause before she quietly admitted, “Sometimes, I still don’t think that I do.” It was a horrible thing to say, and Oswin had kept it to herself the entire time she was here. There was only a beat of silence before she sighed out some of the heaviness that was laying hard over her heart, sinking it down, down, down… “But the alternative…” There were many alternatives, of course. Oswin could simply throw away everything she had promised Tyr they would build together, return to the Peak and be the warrior she always wanted to be, not the leader she had tried to become. It should be easy to turn her back on him, but it wasn’t. Her heart had made this decision for her, and it wouldn’t let her turn away or run from it. He was the one thing she could not abandon.

“The alternative would just make me…” Oswin glanced down the sharp dive below and remembered the night she’d stood atop the Peak, teetering near its ledge, looking down and thinking how quickly it would all be over if she just took one, small step.

“It would convince me of what it had when I was at the Peak last, that one little leap off the edge would solve everything.” Though she had been deep in the throes of her depression in her last year or so of living in the Peak, Oswin had never admitted out loud to anyone that she had been so far gone that she had considered throwing herself from its heights even with young children to look after. She sighed and swallowed back the emotion rising in her throat. “So, this is what I have. The thing that I am supposed to be grateful for and happy with, and content.” She reached back to brush her lips over her swollen sides. “Maybe it isn’t so bad, and maybe one day I’ll feel the fulfillment I was hoping I could find.” She spoke it like a promise into her skin, like it would reach the growing child there. “But it hasn’t felt that way yet.”

It was better than the alternative.

Oswin glanced at Róisín again. “It would be a shame for the world to no longer have you in it, Róisín.” There was sincerity in her words, and sadness that matched the light in her eyes. Despite whatever lay between them, Oswin did not want to see her story close this way. “Life has too many turns to ever be done, even if they’re taking you somewhere you never wanted to go and you aren’t as happy as you hoped you’d be once you took them.”

oswin
this is as brave as I know how to be.
I know it’s gonna hurt you, but please… be a little proud of me.