With an effort, Fell stills himself and settles his excitement. He had startled Maha with his little outburst of joy, but the colt is not so afraid yet that he runs or hides behind his mother. He stands his ground admirably, or at least as much in Fell’s eyes; he’s only a few hours old, so he might yet not understand enough to be truly afraid. Still, the Bay stallion wants to encourage his youngest son to face his fears, so he reins himself in and makes himself smaller.

Mṛgaśira closes the distance between them, and he butts her affectionately with his big head like a great cat. He listens to her explanation of Maha’s name, and nods with approval, some mixture of emotion stirring in his chest — mostly positive, but with a little taste of what those wrongdoers must feel when they are chased back to the righteous path. Mahakanha is not quite large enough to take on Fell as his first wrongdoer in a literal sense, but his existence, Fell is beginning to suspect, will have roughly the same effect. He nods again, solemnly this time, his head moving slowly and thoughtfully.

The change will not happen overnight, he knows; and he knows Mṛgaśira knows, too. But the smallest thing — that little prick of accountability rather than guilt, of determination rather than self-loathing, is a start. The vicious cycle has not been reversed, but it has paused, and Fell experiences a little bit of peace in the stillness of not eating himself alive. He knows there will be setbacks (there is a flicker of memory, of Kohelet staring at him with such crushing devastation and horror that he is almost undone all over again, before he crams it back into the box he had been keeping it all this time with the rest of his past with her and slams the lid shut with desperate vigor) but every small moment of peace without the influence and destruction of his rage is a win.

The gentle brush of her teeth on his skin brings him out of his thoughts, and Fell retaliates with a dramatic tossing of his head away from her, as though he has been greatly wounded. Under other circumstances, he might have tried to provoke her into a game of chase, but he does not want to offend the fierce little colt by messing too roughly with his mother. Despite his energy, he has sobered in response to Mṛgaśira’s words, and he does not find it difficult to stand still and allow Mahakanha to join his parents without another startle.

FELL

stallion. 16hh. black. marwari x. Rougaru x visurix.