The silicon chip inside her head got switched to overload
Nobody’s going to go to school today, she’s going to make them stay at home
Her daddy doesn’t understand it, he always said she was good as gold
Lilith hugged her arms around her body and sighed, looking over the battlements of the Core. She was stood on one of the towers, the one that gave her the best view of Shaman. Emerald eyes scanned the world that she knew, and eventually lingered on the sea, looking to the distance as her mind drifted to the possibilities of worlds beyond the ocean. When she had been younger, there had been a gap in the world. She had never been through though; it had closed before she was independent enough. Her mother had been through, when she had been pregnant, so maybe that counted a little bit. But still, there were worlds out there that she had never known, and that she would probably never know. Maybe she would be like Arthur, and Twinge, and Nine, and be reincarnated on another world, getting to live out a life again.
Since she had regained her own body (not that Seth’s had not been kind on her) she had realised that she missed having time by herself. But Arthur, being with him, having him there to take care of her, made things easier. It was hard to sleep without him, and even harder to get up in the mornings. Sometimes she wondered what she would be like if they had never come together, if they had never kissed. Maybe the world would be different? Her world would definitely be different without Arthur. The nights would be all but impossible to bear, but then again, maybe she would have someone else?
The feline girl sighed, her voice had abandoned her only nights ago, yet she was coping fairly well. She supposed that it was because of her telepathy that she was coping so well. But there was something eating away at her insides. A hole that she hadn’t noticed until recently.
It started with the fact that Stark was not her father.
And Mallos was.
Stark had been a father – of sorts – to her siblings, but he had come along too late for her. She needed a father, a real father. And Mallos was her real father. She probably knew him better than she wanted to admit either.
She pressed her forehead against the cold stones of the tower wall and closed her eyes, enjoying the silence as it seemed to devour her. This was just what she needed. Alone time. But the thoughts in her head were confusing her. Why should she want to see a man who she hated with every fibre of what made her who she was? Why should she want to know the scourge of Shaman? He was a man who had ruined so many lives, but he was still her father… She just felt like she was being irrational. She had even shut out Seth for the moment; he was off on one of his hunting trips. She had last seen him heading towards the Ocean. She never knew where he went, he did not say. She did know he could fly hours on end, maybe even days without having to stop to rest. And sometimes he did disappear for days on end. She could always call for him if she needed him, she knew it, but she rarely did. Why must she call her Seth away from something that could possibly be very important, when she could always find Arthur? Maybe because Arthur was caught up in planning for the coming, and inevitable, war.
But could she tell him about her thoughts, of needing a dad? He would understand, he did not really have a father here. His conception had been magical – a thought she had plucked from Poppy’s unaware head years ago – but he had endured another lifetime before coming here. He had a father, and his had died a long time ago. Like hers probably should have…
But did she want him dead? Did she really want that certainty? All logical thought screamed; yes, screamed that he should die and that should be the end of it. But there was always, has always been, something inside of her. Something telling her that maybe he could change? No, he was almost as old as Aura herself, but she did not know that he had always been that way. Had he? She could reach to his mind and find out… No. No she could not. She could not bear to find out. Not yet. Not while she could still put it off until he truly made his escape… It was only a little while to go. She could feel it in her bones.
And the whole thing made her cry. Tears streamed down her face and she longed for Arthur’s strong arms around her. To hear his voice, his thoughts, telling her that everything would just be okay even though they both knew that things would probably not be. Life was going to get a lot harder before it got any easier.
Lilith & Seth
Night Seer and Conqueror of Darkness
What reason do you need to die?
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