It is strange to spend two years in a haze of questions. It is even stranger to cut yourself free of such a darkness. I have been left with only two questions after it all, two that I carry in the scars of my legs and paws; at what speed must I live so that I may see you again? How much more must I give before I can take?

It has taken me years to feel comfortable sleeping. It has taken me years to feel comfortable with only loneliness as a bed mate; I remember you asleep, curled around the children. Seven - could you believe it? I even remembered that night I found Jaylah sprawled out in the sand, too afraid to fight anymore but brave enough to save their lives. Alyeska... Iskra... Vulcan. Our own, Tornaq and Grim, and even d'Mani and Kavik though we know well they are safe now. We saved them, we tried to save them all. It has taken me years to be comfortable because each night I remember your face, your smile as we huddled together, the boys beneath us. It's just thunder, it's just thunder. I remember thinking of Juno, Soldat, Jaylah... everyone. I remember thinking of the next time I would see them.

I remember so much but so little.

I do not remember this crater, though, or any crater in fact. I had followed my paws to where I knew there used to be something familiar only to be met with such a strange sight - a field of tall, summer burnt grass. A ridge rose in the distance, a river cutting through the seemingly endless sea of grass. I stood, simply staring, my mouth fallen into a soft 'o' - this is not what I had expected. What had I, though? Perhaps I had hoped to have returned to see it all as it once had been. Perhaps I had hoped to see Desoto and Soldat atop the ridge, beckoning me forward to the hunt. Instead, I was met with an emptiness, my legs quivering beneath me, willing me forward. I did not know what this was, what kind of cruel prank fate had played, but I knew I could not simply stop and stare. If I wanted to reclaim my life, I had to start with baby steps. I had to force a smile, as weak as it were and as dull as my eyes could be. I forced that smile and I walked, slow and steady to the river bank, my paws almost savoring the feeling of rocks and sand beneath my paws and between my toes. I expect the river to break its banks and become the ocean, as it should be.

Folly dreams. I have to sigh over them, moving slowly into the cool water, my eyes shut to the world. It is easy to imagine that this is home like this, knee deep in water with my paws clinging to the smooth stones beneath. It is almost alluring to simply stay here forever, and for now, I am content. It has taken me years to gather my thoughts, the pieces of my heart. It has taken me years to come here and I imagine I deserve this small moment of peace - my smile, so small and gentle, is finally genuine. Perhaps I am becoming an old fool, simply standing in the midst of the river, so easily seen, so obvious to the world. I wonder if the wolves have changed. I wonder if I will find a face I know, a face or name I remember.

After all, we only have what we remember.