Who would think this far into the game that I would feel nervous? I pace restlessly by the riverside, more on edge then I've been in weeks. I know in time I will have to face my demons. I'll have to go back to Diveen and face my son and his chosen mate and queen for my punishment for all I've done. I'll have to apologize for not taking part in the war that was caused because of me. I'll have to reap what I sowed. I did a lot of bad things and I regret most of them. I regret attacking Vidar. I don't regret attacking Ruvindra. I don't even regret attacking that punk Loki cause he kept insulting my imprint. Most importantly, I regret what I did to Natalya last winter. My body shudders at the horror. I forced her into having my children and it doesn't matter that I thought she was just a ghost. I wasn't in my right mind and there's no excuse for it. I fucked up, bad. The worst part is that she already forgives me. She tried to tell me she liked it. I always knew she was a kinky thing but to like me hurting her like that? I can never forgive myself.

What's even worse is the winter is telling on me and gods, how I want to do it again. Just thinking of her supple body beneath mine sets my teeth to chattering in pleasure. My skin ripples at the thought of our skin to skin contact, knowing that my soul will be singing with the perfection of it all. I know that she is my other half. I know that that will never change. I know that a part of my heart will always belong to Kiska, but am I ready to throw all that away and look to tomorrow? My body says yes, oh Tor, yes. Kiska is my choice and the mother of my children. Natalya is my fate and also mother to my children now. I couldn't ask for more beautiful puppies than Atania and her brother Adonis. They are odd in their interactions, to me at least, but I am proud to claim them. Siblings should bicker and fight and wrestle and tattle on each other and try to outdo each other but they don't. They're oddly together in everything they do and Adonis has a dark spark in him when Atania's not around. It's like the logical part of him is always with her. Like he can't control himself when she's not there. Natalya tries to explain it off as because they're twins but I think there's more to it. I think somewhere in their genes, something got thrown off. They almost act like Natalya and myself. Like two parts of a whole. Siblings should be close but should they really be that close? Is that natural? Something keeps telling me that its not.

And yet I'm still pacing, pacing because my soul mate and the other half to my whole is on her way to meet me here at the riverside. I told her it was time for a change of pace and I know she's worried for me. I haven't been around much since the birthing of Atania and Adonis. I had to go face my demons and find myself again. I had to get over the shock of what I did to my imprint, the one wolf I would never want to hurt. Kiska was that wolf at one point too but now all the hurt is mine, I think. She left me. I'm starting to come to terms with it. She always tried pushing me to move on and go to Natalya. She could see how much it hurt me not to be with her. She thought I made the wrong choice when I chose her but I was too selfish to let her go. And now she's gone and made the choice for me. That's what I've accepted as her reasoning. She's trying to force me to move on now. Well, congratulations, Kiska, it's working. I will never forget her but you'd better believe the next time I see her, if there is a next time, she's going to have a lot of explaining to do. Now when I think about the wolf who's supposed to be my mate, I get pissed. She had no right to make that decision for me. And yet now is not the time to be thinking of Kiska. My soul is shaking his head at me and pouting.

I look toward the corner that faces Diveen, not sure if she'll be coming from there or some other direction. My stomach is in knots right now as I wait. She is coming, right? I told her to meet here, that I'd make it worth her while. My soul tells me she's coming but my heart and mind tell me I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. Gods, how I know it. She's deadly and beautiful and for all reasons known to me, perfect. She's witty and charming and intelligent. She's everything an assassin could ask for. Everything a wolf could ask for. And a perfect mother. I've seen her intereacting with Adonis and Atania. It reminds me of how she was with young Fathom, Capone, and Ellie. So gentle, always so gentle. You would never believe she's pulled jugulars out for a living, that she would do it again in a heart beat. I sigh and look toward the water, watching my reflection rippling. I don't deserve her and yet she's still here. I know it as sure as I know the moon is out and the sun will come tomorrow. She's not going anywhere. I put my paw down to the water and make a small splash, just enough to make my reflection disappear. Not what I want to see on my first date night with the wolf I love, the wolf my soul and body craves like a siren, the wolf my heart clings to with barbed fingers, the wolf I may end up spending the rest of my life with.