<font color="#969BDE" font size=1 face="georgia">*<i>not fond of godly hours%01 anyway;</i> [m;tw]</font>

*not fond of godly hours, anyway; [m;tw]
IP: 173.239.240.126
Posted on September 22, 2017 at 09:38:07 AM by TARQUiN

Trigger warning: this post contains swearing, emotional trauma, dark thoughts, anxiety; and references to sex, polygamy/adultery, addicitions, actions or behaviours linked to mental health, and mental torture.

'cause oh i'm bleeding out inside; oh i don't even mind
He doesn't look at her and see the worst parts of her, no. He looks at her and he sees all that could have been, what should have been; if only they could have have gotten past the stubbornness and the pride. It was his fault as much as it was hers in many ways, but they were not the same creatures that they had once been. Not the same as when they had first started. When they had thought that they could take on the world together. And Quinn really thought that they could back then. He had thought that it could be all that they had said that it might be. But Quinn was no good at this, no good at the relationships that he had tried to keep and grow. He had wanted to be, tried really hard to be, but he had always failed.

There was no reason why he would not continue to fail if he kept trying for relationships based on love. It was funny that he had understood so many things when he was younger, but he had wanted the things he couldn't hold onto and nothing less would do. Quinn doesn't see it quite that way anymore. He couldn't quite make himself believe that letting someone touch him didn't have to mean anything at all; couldn't just give himself away, though he knows that it would be easier if he did. The times he had done it that way had made him disgusted with himself, so that did not help him now. There were still days when he looked back on one of those instances and his stomach turned sour and he cringed over it.

And he didn't want to confess to Echidna that this night had happened because he couldn't force himself to have meaningless sex with someone right now. That it had happened because he cared about Echidna, because it felt right with her; because he wouldn't hate himself for doing it when she was the one he was touching. That he couldn't stomach it with someone new and different at this point in his life. And Quinn doesn't really know what that means in the grand scheme of things. He knows that he should get over it, because it wasn't like he could keep this mindset up forever. Eventually, when things got bleak and he was feeling too alone again, he'd break. That truth does not escape him, but he isn't there yet.

He doesn't like the way she starts the conversation back up, but he's argued so much already that he's feeling less inclined to poke at it. Quinn isn't even sure how he feels about what she was telling him now, because he had tried to show her how he had felt, had tried to be reassuring, but he figures he's just plain terrible at that, too. He does wish she had told him that she wanted to be a mother and love their children, should have asked him how he had felt. Nothing they could do about the chances that had passed them by now, though. Quinn doesn't know what to say to it all, either. Then she was talking about Cash and how the memories had been taken and Quinn is conflicted on how he feels about it.

He did not mean to take the memories like he had, but he doesn't think he's sorry for it. It gave him so much insight that he hadn't known before about Echidna. It had opened his eyes, and he felt that one way or another, he should have known about these things. "It's not like I did it on purpose. I don't exactly have a great grasp on the ability yet. I'd forgotten it. I had a lot more pressing things on my mind at that moment." The smile is faint and fleeting, because it doesn't make anything better. He's quiet against the rest of what she says, and he inhales, exhales. "I'm sorry I can't offer you anything more than this, either. I'm just not ready to move on right now." He chewed on the corner of his bottom lip, frowning a little.
WORDCOUNT: 697

Replies:

friends in all the wrong places - By Echidna September 23, 2017 at 05:31:35 AM
- *and closets are for skeletons; [m;tw] - By TARQUiN September 23, 2017 at 07:10:54 AM
  - down for getting dark - By Echidna September 23, 2017 at 08:39:24 AM
    - *sank into eden with you; [m;tw] - By TARQUiN September 23, 2017 at 09:53:04 AM
      - because the dark gets me - By Echidna September 24, 2017 at 07:53:59 AM

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