It was late at night when Charmeine sighed and pulled herself up to her feet as slowly and quietly as she could manage. It wasn’t quiet enough to keep from alerting her mother, who’s peaceful breathing changed from a clear, deep sleep into waking. Charmeine took one step away from her mother and her sister (Parisa was still sound asleep, splayed out flat on her side) before her mother whispered. “Charmeine? Is everything okay?” Her voice was groggy with sleep and Charmeine felt briefly guilty. She looked back through the darkness toward her mother.
“Yeah mom, it’s okay.” She whispered back, hoping her voice sounded convincing. Everything didn’t feel alright in her heart, but Charmeine wasn’t ready to talk about anything. “I’m just going to get a drink from the creek,” she kept her voice hushed, hoping they wouldn’t wake anyone else who may have been sleeping nearby. “I’ll be right back, go back to sleep.”
Maziel was quiet for a moment, but then seemed to accept what Charmeine had said. “Okay, my love.” She reached up from where she was curled on her side next to Parisa. Charmeine stepped back toward her mother and shared a brief, affectionate nuzzle that momentarily broke up the heavy sorrow that’d been sinking harder and harder down in her chest as the night wore on. She smiled briefly and turned back, walking away slower than she wanted to as unshed tears stung suddenly in her eyes. “Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry,” she repeated it to herself under her breath, grinding her teeth and flicking her ears back as she walked a little faster. “Don’t cry… don’t cry…”
She was trembling by the time she reached the creek. Charmeine slung her head down and took a large, shaky breath. “Damnit,” she cursed angrily at herself, closing her eyes tightly shut, willing the tears to just go away. Charmeine had absolutely nothing to cry about, but lately that’s all she felt like doing.
So many unknowns loomed in front of her, and they grew a little larger with every day that passed. Every day she grew older and she wondered when the questions (as kindly intentioned as they may be) would start. She was old enough now to join a new herd, to go out to the other islands and explore; she was even old enough to have a child (but only physically, definitely not mentally). But… Charmeine didn’t want any of it. She didn’t want to leave Tinuvel, or the Bay. The reasons felt tangled in her head and she was tired of the mental anguish. The days she was unable to put it out of her mind were the nights she couldn’t sleep, no matter how tired she felt. The unanswered worries just swirled around and around in her head, no way to solve them, only providing uncertainty, fear, and shame.
Finally, she opened her eyes, briefly relieved that she didn’t feel like she was going to start crying anymore. She’d pushed it down and bottled it up just the way she’d been doing lately. The wetness glistened at the pink lines around her eyes, catching a droplet or so on her long, white lashes. Where she stood by the creek there was a break in the trees and the moon - not quite full but large enough to provide significant white-blue light - shone in a sky clear of clouds. Charmeine tilted her chin up, gaze drifting over the spattering of stars that glittered above. They winked and shone back at her. She sighed and dropped her head, gaze falling down to the bubbling water just a step in front of her.
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