It was so unfair for him to continue unburdening his heart by confessing things that would inevitably bring any kind of suffering to Daire in turn. He did not know if she felt the same way toward him that he did, but Zevulun had suspected (hoped?) that the feelings he felt for her were shared mutually. Despite everything, all the reasons they should have never developed, at least if he knew he wasn’t alone in this it would help… wouldn’t it? Or would it only make it worse, seeing the possibility right there before him and easily in his reach?

As her eyes met his, even in the quiet that chased his tight-voiced confession, Zevulun knew. He could see and understand that he hadn’t been wrong in thinking she held somewhat of the same feelings for him. It was strange to feel elation and dread at the same time. They should be able to smile as they confessed their love, and seize what few years of happiness they could carve for themselves before the inevitable turn of fate snatched them away. But instead, here they stood, Zevulun having given the feelings a voice, and Daire’s open, honest expression in return showing him they were reciprocated. Despite knowing that them having those feelings would mean they were hurting someone both had already hurt one too many times.

Fate was fickle.

If… if we give in…

His heart pounded hard in his chest. Zevulun watched her quietly as Daire spoke, outlining exactly what they both knew. Going forward with these feelings meant Riesling would never forgive him, or Daire, and she would be well within her right to. Zevulun wished knowing the logic would magically help cure him of the wanting ache of his heart, but he was frustrated to find that even speaking the truth out loud didn’t calm the storm inside him. Maybe it was his anger at everything that’d festered wrongly between he and Riesling, maybe it was his anger at fate for bringing Daire into his life after everything was established with Riesling, but Zevulun had to close his eyes against the frustration and will the anger inside him to subside. This wasn’t a time to become angry; this was a time to look directly at what the consequences of his actions would be and not hide from them but walk into them knowing he was choosing to be a bad person.

Is that something you can live with?

His glacial blue eyes opened and met her gaze; there was no hiding the struggle he was feeling from them. He opened his mouth to answer, but found his throat was too tight to get any words out, so he closed his lips and swallowed back before starting again. “I…” just the one word alone shook, “I don’t know…” He whispered weakly and knew that wasn’t the right answer to give. He should say yes or he should say no, break away all of this what-if and either take the leap into doing what he shouldn’t, or try and stay strong for the mother of three of his children.

“I think it will be the end of me,” he confessed, not letting himself look away from her, even if Daire couldn’t look at him. There was a gravity to his words. Some understanding, even if he didn’t fully understand. “I think the truth will come out eventually, and it will tear everything we will have built together in the meantime apart.” He wasn’t dumb and he wasn’t so young he could feign ignorance. Zevulun knew enough to understand Riesling, and this was possibly the greatest insult and back-stabbing thing he could do to her.

Why couldn’t he just say no, then?

“But I think… I think I’m too weak to keep saying no, especially…” Especially after he stood in the Salem shallows and watched Riesling and their daughter look upon him as the enemy they rightfully viewed him as. Maybe if things had gone different, if they’d actually been able to talk over his apologies, he would’ve been coming home with Riesling and had to make the other difficult decision to tell Daire her time was through.

But Riesling stayed behind, unable to believe in him a second time, and went as far as to tell him they couldn’t continue this constant push and pull of a relationship that they had. Despite the fact that they shared children, she had gone as far as to threaten him. Maybe they were just too different, in the end.

“My definition of love is too different from Riesling’s, and I am never, ever going to be enough for her, no matter what I try. She said she is tired of hurting, she is tired of me hurting her, and truthfully, I am too. I’m tired of hurting her, and I’m tired of her hurting me. I am tired of us hurting our children." His voice broke briefly; inflicting pain upon his children was the one thing Zevulun would never ever forgive himself for. "I have been tired of our relationship since she chose not to follow me to the Savanna with the rest of the herd, no matter how valid she thought her reasons were. If, for the last few years I have left, I can find the happiness I desire here with you… then I do not think I can care about the ruin it’ll bring. I am so, so tired of being miserable. I am tired of denying myself the love and understanding I have right in front of me in favor of trying to get someone to love and understand me who just… never will. And who I just keep hurting every time I try...”

There it was. The confession came from him almost like a heavy sigh from his heart. He felt drained then, all the emotional turmoil and physical travel hitting him quite suddenly. He sighed and reached out to lay his lips gently, comfortingly in a soft kiss against Daire’s dark cheek. Zevulun lingered there, allowing this moment of weakness to give excuse to seek her physical comforts. He inhaled and her sweet smell filled his nose and let it sigh softly against her skin. “I don’t know if I can live with it,” He repeated truthfully and then sighed as he pulled his face away enough to look at her again, “But I don’t think I can keep living the way I am now, either, so I’m going to have to figure out how to.”