i can’t breathe and sometimes i wonder if i am even alive. to think that when i was first born i felt oddly alone in this world. it had been cold, far too cold and i was wet. i remember shivering, uncontrollably and i could hear this annoying, wheezing sound. once i realized that it was me though, that this sound that sounded like something was dying was me, i was fearful for my brother did not sound like i did. there is no such thing as comfort in my life, for i am unwanted. yes i know, i know because even though i am young and naive i have felt, desired to be touched, to be loved and cherished and i have gained nothing. at first i believed it to be because i am ugly, i know it and they know it. it was within the waters of a lake that i had seen my reflection. my nose, it is different and it is hard for me to breath let alone eat. i know i am skinny, i prefer to be skinny and frail for i do not like the way they watch me nuzzle into my mother. i am embarrassed by my face. i am ashamed.
i tumble after my mother and brother, quiet at the flank as i stare in absent thought at the back of her slim legs. her tail swishes gently along her flank and my brother bounds after easily. i am already tired, my breathing heavy and annoying through my face. i fall back from them slightly, nervous that they might hear my breathy struggle and think of me as weak. i am weak though. i will amount to nothing. it is the truth for no one has told me otherwise. he makes it look so easy, my brother. his trot keeping up with her own and his small body looking plump and yet fit at the same time. it is not as easy for me, though i attempt to make it look easy. as we draw upon a small fallen branch and i watch as they step over and leap over with ease. i pause though, watching them walk away and i wonder if maybe, just maybe if he stayed here if they would notice i was gone, if they would care or not. i sigh for although i know the answer to my own inquiries i must follow for i am too young to remain on my own. though i have grown nicely, i am an infant and i will die.
but i already feel dead inside.
i search the fallen branch and i find a small opening within the rotted wood. i slide through, easily pushing my skinny body through it. i breath reply, hearing that familiar wheeze with the effort i take. as i reach the other side, i pause to catch my breath for i know i will now need to trot to catch up to their retreating forms. and i do, slowly i make it back up to them and suddenly she pauses. i look around, curiosity fleeting before my eyes rest upon my brother questioningly. perhaps that is my prettiest feature, the hazels i bear. they remind me of the gentle touch of the sun.
her words break through my thoughts and i turn to face her, my mother. i didn’t give her that title, it was just what we called her. she seemed cold to me, always have, distant and to this day i blame my deformity. perhaps she cannot love something as ugly as i. perhaps…
my father? our father? my ears perk at these words and i tilt my small head in confusion. i have never seen him, never even heard of him before now and suddenly he wishes to meet us? what if he feels my deformity is as ugly as i see it as well? i look off into the landscape that darkens and i shiver. i don’t understand what’s happening and i begin to grow nervous. as i turn back around to face my mother, a question upon my kissers, she has already faded away into the brush. i allow my ears to fall upon my head, my tail to crawl in between my legs. it’ll be okay, it’ll all be okay. she will be back from the hunt before father even finds us and it will all be okay.
i comfort myself for no one has ever comforted me before.
Anselshe took my breath away
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