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*this is all that we have left; [m;tw]
IP: 173.239.240.126
Posted on September 22, 2017 at 07:52:08 AM by TARQUiN

Trigger warning: this post contains swearing, emotional trauma, dark thoughts, anxiety; and references to sex, polygamy/adultery, addicitions, actions or behaviours linked to mental health, and mental torture.

'cause oh i'm bleeding out inside; oh i don't even mind

He would only wish that there had been more open conversation, more acceptance at a certain turning point between them to assure him that things could have kept going as they had been. Holding himself back from going after what he wanted -- even if it was temporary -- had been a difficult and damaging thing in the long run. More because it hadn't started out that way, but had turned in that direction from something that had worked more for who and what he was. There was nothing better to offer as to where his feelings lay other than the fact that he returned to Echidna after chasing tail. Strived to sleep his nights at Echidna's side. There were so many little things that should have added up back then.

Quinn could too easily get into a doting mindset, and that probably didn't look the best to the casual observer in situations like that, but it came down to feeding the caretaking need and the control that came with it. Quinn knows how twisted it could be, and he knows how it looked. Seeing something that wasn't there, that looked one way but wasn't? That was all too usual in those circumstances. Sirius had made that mistake, but when the vampire had made it, it had been made to the extreme and Quinn made it damn well known how wrong that mistake had been. Sirius had made Raine immortal, thinking it's what Quinn had wanted. It wasn't. Playthings were not meant for forever, and the idea had made him sick.

The whole thing had been horrific in too many ways, because Quinn hadn't wished death Raine, he'd just wanted to walk away from it all. Feeling trapped and guilty and responsible was not how he wanted it to be. Quinn was conflicted over so much from those days, and it is why he does try hard not to linger or feel much. Why he has limited his encounters much more than he thinks anyone with his addictions and wants would be expected to. His mind indulges so much more than he allows himself to actually go for. Quinn had his reasons for withholding, though. The same reasons that he wants to cut his emotions off now, for one. That, and probably because he knows he doesn't deserve anything more.

Echidna was telling him that they did not have a good record, and Quinn nods. This was very true, and it made a point on the wants that were laid out. Why it wasn't really something they could just reach for. Echidna hadn't stopped there, and Quinn is still and quiet, letting her speak and get it out. There was so much that she was setting out there for him to think about, and he can feel a lacing of pain that runs through him to hear it, and while there's a hint of that in his eyes, he doesn't let it touch the rest of his expression. Still, there were questions in her words, and he's picking at them to decide how to answer, which ones are needed right now. What direction he wanted the conversation to go in this moment.

It was his turn to say something, and there's enough to go over in his mind to give him some pause. But only some. "I've already confirmed that I do remember the good times. That the memories are painful reminders of my losses. And I remember the reasons, and enough of them still apply as good reasons now. But some of them do just go away. Or we make them go away, or we make the mistakes that ruin them." It's not easy to say these things, but maybe he owes it to the both of them to explain it as he saw it. And then she was talking about how she was right here, how she had been here. Part of him wanted to ask her how she knew how much anyone else had tried, but he doesn't. It's irrelevant here.

Instead; "All those tries and we still weren't able to fix it or get it right." He glanced away, then back. "To be fair, you weren't letting me see parts of who you really were, either. I think we should appreciate, and not in the good way, the fact that you were hiding parts of yourself that I wanted, because you thought they were parts that I didn't want. And the kicker is that somewhere along the line I changed from one extreme to the other. Though I was honest about that fact, about those changes. Which makes me ever so confused on how it ended up the way it did, why you didn't grasp it, or didn't want to admit what you really wanted to me." But these were things he really wanted to know.
WORDCOUNT: 810



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