Trigger warning to thoughts of suicide.
Asphara let her eyes stray to the stallion's honey brown gaze. He was different and in all honesty, the mare was slightly scared. She wasn't worried he would hurt her. Yet, she knew she would hurt him. The easiest way for Asphara to know that was that she considered herself toxic. No one could tell her that but herself. She had many thoughts of how much better things would be if she just wasn't here. Her daughter wouldn't have her around all the time and the goal in her womb would not be born by a useless mother. This growing goal inside of her wouldn't be dealing with her of all horses.
Shaking her head, Asphara strikes the ground with a front hoof as she snorts. She didn't want those trains of thought. She didn't want to be so pitiful and it drove her mad. Her red fur prickled faintly as she once again fought herself against everything. Tears began to fall down her cheeks as her sides began to heave with sobs. She wanted to escape this pain and yet she couldn't get herself to let it go. For lack of trying, Asphara found herself quietly sobbing against Polar. She reached to lean into him more, hoping beyond anything that he would be willing to stay. She knew he just met her, but there was no one else that would.
If he allowed her to tuck closer, the mare would find her head tucked under his chin with her ears pinned. She was thankful for the kind words and the gentle touch, but finally she just caved. Her cheeks were lines with tears and her body shivered in mental agony. She wanted to be a good mare for her family, but Asphara didn't really have one. Her daughter was it and now the life she was carrying would be another member. However, she knew this goal she cared about already would belong with their father more than her.
“Thank you.” She whispered, her voice cracking as she rested there with Polar. He was a good stallion with a kind heart and she couldn't help but love the fact he hadn't left. It was to early to have feelings, but she knew already she'd come looking for him if he ever went missing. She's never felt this before and it was almost a kick to her heart to know it… It was there almost like a primal instinct. She knew without a doubt that Polar would be the shift in her life she needed, no matter how far apart they ever ended up in the future.
Licking her lips, she continued to cry but she spoke through the knot that lodged itself in her throat. “You can believe that, but I've never been shown what you say. Nature took my parents and I've ran and been forgotten. I mean nothing to those around me and it's caused a crater inside my gut that won't leave.” Her body seemed to almost shrink as the snow began to melt off her back and trickle little droplets of water down her hocks. Furless scars began to show through her wet frame and she couldn't do anything to hide it from Polar any longer.
“I don't deserve anything… I don't deserve to be here.” Those words, their tone, and the way her body seemed to almost fall spoke of just her train of thought. Asphara did not belong to these islands and she knew they would swallow her. Be it today, tomorrow, or years from now. Asphara excepted her fate and no longer feared death. She was ready… as long as no one missed her.
ASPHARA
mare | 15.3hhs | chestnut | of the ridge
|
