The past few weeks, maybe even months, come to me as a blur, but thankfully not the blur that comes with blackouts from a time more recent. I still think on the weeks I let myself go, the weeks I let my discipline and all my training down to become something savage and not civil at all. I tortured and killed many innocents in that time period, waking up with no memory of the action and nothing but bloodshed all around me to tell the story. Oh, and the nightmares, yeah, they never left anything out. I would sleep fitfully then, tossing and turning as screams pulled at my mind and the whimpers of the innocents who lay lifeless beside me play over and over again in my ears. I'm able to think on these days a lot clearer now. They still cause a lot of pain and guilt, but I'm getting better.
I have changed a lot since those days. My coat is no longer raggedy looking and almost skeletal, wiped clean of any muscle tone I once had and seriously aching for a bath to rid it of the stench of death that always seemed to hang around me then. I almost never ate then, afraid when I was fully aware that I would lose control again and black out. Finally, I came to a point where I decided to fight and slowly but surely, my sanity won. It doesn't mean that I don't bear both mental and physical scars from what I went through, though. My skin is riddled with the after math of victims who chose to fight back, even though they hardly ever won. It is also riddled with my past life, warriors and fighting almost twenty four/seven, keeping myself toned and disciplined, sound in mind and body.
I used to rule a pack. I used to have loyal members under me. I was a creative leader, often gaining the best warriors through fighting them as a challenger and then deeming them worthy to join my pack with a rank to their name. Maybe in the long run, this wasn't the best way to gain loyal followers, but at the time I figured I couldn't be beat. Leave it to my own mate to turn her back on me and help devise a plan to beat me through mind games. A challenger came calling and I went to fight him. He was hardly a challenge and I came back to my pack victorious only to find them rallying around a new leader, a stranger to me. The way my mate wound herself around him like a snake told a whole different story though. She had been plotting behind my back the whole time to bring her real love into the alpha spot and with me away fighting, she'd gotten her wish.
It was all a ploy. The challenger was the new alpha's brother and he had been sent in to distract me. I stared at the sight for what seemed like forever before something broke inside. I could be corny and say it was my heart but that would be a lie. It was something else, some cord inside that was holding everything together for me. I could have challenged the new alpha and won my spot back, but I would never be able to trust the wolves there again so why bother? Instead I turned my back on that life and walked away, into the darkness, literally. I drove myself mad and started the torturing and killing then. After some time I went back normal and found my way here, to Blossom. I found Munashii Gekko and the female alpha that patrolled it then, Paranoia. We hit it off as friends and I stayed, coming to love Munashii as more than a home. It's my sanctuary.
Paranoia and her brother Angel decided they needed to get away from a while at some point, leaving me to hold the fort down while they were gone. I did this for a while and then the other wolves seemed to disappear overnight, leaving me alone here. Challengers came and I went to fight them, pissed off at the way they'd done it. Instead of staying at the border to call and then running to the clearing to fight, they simply walked on in like no one owned the place and started marking it as their own. Needless to say, a little of my sanity was let go. To top it off, I went to the clearing after them, only to have both disappear and leave me high and dry waiting. I never saw them again but it drove me back to the edge. Long story short, I went back insane, went back to the killing, met a wolf named Jaylah and found myself again.
Since then, I have trained myself back to perfect health. My black coat shines like the darkest night and my muscles ripple like boulders beneath my scarred pelt. My golden eyes shine like the brightest sun and I am back comfortable in my sanity. Yet things have changed. I only got a glimpse of Paranoia's face since she returned before she went missing again. Then some male named Eric with a weird inclination for nighttime came and claimed the land as his own. I could have challenged him, but something held me back this time. It was like Paranoia had given up on the place, but did that mean I needed to, too? I've been pondering over this same question for weeks.
Eric doesn't even know I exist, let alone that I lived in Munashii for a long time. I don't even know if I belong there anymore. Evil wolves rule the place, calling themselves vampires and wanting guard dogs, for lack of a better word, to watch over them during the day. Yea, I could call them insane, but who hasn't been at least once in their life? I certainly have. Instead I patrol the outside of the territory, waiting and watching. I've seen countless souls come to the borders and I've watched Eric's socialization skills. He already has loyal followers to his "new race" of wolf. I don't think I could come across as a good enough actor to play into the scheme so what is a boy to do?
My interest peaks though as I peek through the foliage at the female who now lies down at the border after sending a harmless call to the heavens. She looks too innocent to be at the border here. What is a thing like her doing trying to get into this place? Doesn't she know what lives there? Unable to stay silent this once, I smoothly navigate through the bushes and find myself standing behind her some paces away, not wanting to go right up to her and scare her. Clearing my throat audibly to make sure she knows I'm there, I prick my black ears and watch her with bright golden eyes. Excuse me, miss, but I believe you may be lost.
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